Reporting With Balls



Mr. Bozack’s Corner: 4/30/02



Currently on TwistedFans.com

Issue #47

            Before I start my regularly scheduled rant, I just want to say that I’m mad as hell that the major networks have decided to screw around with my life.  On Sunday May 19, NBC will air the Cosby Show reunion (sans Lisa Bonet), CBS will air the final episode of Survivor (not that I watch show, but my wife does, plus I like to know who gets voted off) and finally, FOX will air the last episode of the X-Files (David Duchovny aka Fox Mulder returns and they’re going to wrap up all the loose ends (yeah right)). I only have two TV's, so I will have to choose between Cosby and X-Files. The wife will want to see Survivor and I’ll want to see the wrap-up of X-Files. So I guess Mr. Jello pudding will have to go. But I’m still annoyed that I have to make that decision, must all three shows air on the same night at the same time?

            NBA PLAYOFFS

            I’m not going to complain about the length of the first round games, because it's been beaten to death by more informed and better sportswriters already.  However, I will discuss the haircuts of NBA players. First, what’s up with Kobe’s 'do? He’s one of the best ballers in the world, but the guy cannot find a style that suits him. When he came into the league he sported a baldhead, which was no good because his head is too small. Next Kobe had the mini-afro, which was working, but he never combed it, so it was always nappy, besides, you could see that his hairline was receding. Now he has the short closed-cropped look. Nice try, but for some reason Kobe does not look good with short hair. He should have stuck with the “nappy look.”

            Certain guys have the right head for different styles, for example: Ruben “the Rapist” Patterson looks cool with a baldhead, Kobe, Scotty Pippen and Rick Fox don’t (Rick what the hell were you thinking?). Rasheed Wallace and Moochie Norris can hang with afros, Steve Francis, and Jason Kidd should never have one. Latrell “Sleeping Beauty” Sprewell can sport cornrows, Allan Houston or Patrick Ewing never. Spree with a baldie? Can’t see it, that’s why he has the cornrows, because it works for him. You gotta know your limits Kobe. Why do you think Vince went bald again? 

            Just by looking at the playoff match-ups anyone who follows the NBA could predict who would emerge victorious.  For instance, I already knew that Portland is soft and will succumb to the Lakers, result: Lakers win 3-0, Toronto another soft team on the road, will fall to Detroit, and San Antonio will lose to the Lakers in the second round. However, I am interested in seeing the Kings play Dallas. Because, while the Kings and the Mavs are soft, they are both just scared of the Lakers and Shaq. While I don’t think that if the Kings beat the Mavs  they will beat L.A., I do think that Dallas has more than enough firepower to take out LA. 

            I want to share something that annoyed me today. I was watching the Sports Reporters and one of the participants (I won’t say Mike Lupica) said that since the Kings are struggling with Utah, there is no way that we can trust the Kings to beat anyone -- let alone the Lakers. How exactly does that work? You mean to tell me that just because the Kings struggle against a veteran team like Utah, they have to be counted out against all future comers?  What about match-ups and the fact that John Stockton and Karl Malone know how to play and have been through more playoff games than all the Kings combined? Look, I don’t think the Kings are tough enough to beat the Lakers, but I do think they are tough enough to beat everyone else.  

            What annoys me is that as a veteran reporter Lupica has seen more than his share of teams that barely survive against one team, only to see them thrive in the next round. Did he forget that the Lakers almost lost to Portland before winning their first championship, or that the 76’ers were a jump shot away from losing to Milwaukee and Toronto?  But I guess since Lupica has a crystal ball he can predict the future and knows that the Kings can’t be trusted to win another NBA playoff series again.


I want to be upfront here. I’m willing to admit to certain biases. One, I like A-Rod, but as a Mets fan I take special pleasure in knowing that his team, the Texas Rangers, sucks in the worst way.  I also like that Mike “My Kids Need Good Schools” Hampton is horrible. Talk about misjudgments. Two guys, A-Rod and Hampton, who, if they combined their salaries could buy the Expos and the Twins, are stuck on teams that will not be winning anything for a long, long time.   

I think we are witnessing the return of big-league pitching. The Pedro Martinez and Randy Johnson are always going to perform well, but now there’s a whole new crop of guys like Derek Lowe, Odalis Perez, Ted Lilly (Ted fucking Lilly?) and Shawn Estes who have flirted with no-hitters and turned the tables on hitters. Let’s not forget guys like Zito, Mulder and Hudson for Oakland, Houston's Roy Oswalt or Cleveland Indian C.C. Sabthia (who is supposed to be marrying Serena Williams, wasn’t she dating Lavar Arrington?) What happened to the offense? It’s been awhile since so many great players were batting less than .350 and not hitting a thousand home runs every night.  

From my point of view there appear to be more strikeouts and lower scoring than usual, but I’m enjoying it. I was at the Mets-Brewers game on Friday and it ended by 9 p.m.  Imagine that! Somehow, even though I love to see home runs and doubles and RBIs, I liked the fast pace of the Friday night game: 3 up 3 down ,lets move on and have time to go out on the town. 

Even Ichiro is only batting .311 this year instead of .359.  Another weird thing is how fast Lance Berkman jumped ahead of my man Barry Bonds to lead the league in homers and RBIs. By the way, why is it that we were in awe that Barry was hitting so many homers early in the season, but now that Berkman has taken the lead it’s not such a big deal anymore? I guess if your not anointed the ONE, then you can’t expect the media to care. Look how long it took them to accept Barry.


I saw the Rock’s movie, The Scorpion King, on Friday (I had a very busy and fulfilling day last Friday) and all I have to say is Kelly Hu (the sorceress) deserves an Oscar.  Why?  Well, I’ll tell you my reasons: first, because I’m superficial and she’s incredibly gorgeous, and I believe that gorgeous women deserve Oscars for looking good (see Halle Berry and pre-anorexic Jennifer Connelly); secondly, because she wore practically nothing throughout the entire movie and looked good doing it; and third, she played a believable role: a sorceress who can see the future, but would lose her powers if she lost her virginity. I can buy that. Okay so the movie was not that great plot-wise, but no one goes to see the Scorpion King for the plot anyway.  For my money it wasn’t as good as the Mummy movies, but it was fun. 

While I’m on the subject of movies, why does Hollywood think we’re all idiots? First they release a DVD with all the bells and whistles, then in about a year or two, they re-release the DVD and call it the Director’s cut or the Platinum edition. The Special edition DVD is basically the same shit (deleted scenes, commentary from the director and the actors, etc) as the original release. Usually the only new items are ads for the latest sequel. Occasionally there are exceptions likeApocalypse Now Redux, but mostly it’s a rip-off. 

I’m hoping this summer’s blockbusters are decent, I know the plots will be paper-thin (i.e. Scorpion King), and that if I want to see a really good movie I should see an independent flick. But sometimes I don’t want to watch some depressing movie about how life is horrible and everybody is dysfunctional. Sometimes I just want to escape. But escaping would be a lot easier if there’s a decent plot and I don’t feel like I just wasted my money. Its not like I get paid for this column and have tons of money to blow on shit like Vanilla Sky or Tomb Raiders. I just wish that Spiderman, Star Wars and Men In Black II make me chuckle and have a good time, if not I want a refund!   

Mr. Bozack rants each week about any topic he chooses for TwistedFans.com. If you got a problem with that you can send him email at [email protected]

Email this story to a friend

Subscribe to our Newsletter

Mr. Bozack's Corner: Kobe's Do, Berkman Who? and Kelly Hu

Mr. Bozack's Corner: Jason and Tiger and Vince - OH MY!

Mr. Bozack’s Corner: Jason Booed in NY, the Martinez Feud, Vince and Dumb Dads on TV

Mr. Bozack’s Corner: 3/26/02

Mr. Bozack’s Corner: 3/17/02

Mr. Bozack’s Corner: 3/5/02

    Twisted Week in Sports: Big Game Expos, Anna K, Detroit D, Padgett's Gaff & the Longs Drugs Champ

Visit our Archive

Maxim -- 12 issues
Mummy Returns

Home | Feedback  | Free Stuff | Privacy Policy
Copyright © 2001 TwistedFans, LLC, ARRAWR.