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St. Louis Rams to Live "As a Team" During Off-Season


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Issue #35

Above: Aeneas Williams and Trung Canidate having tea on the porch of their off-season home. They met for the first time Tuesday.
PONDVILLE, MA Humiliated, angered and embittered after their shocking defeat in Super Bowl XXXVI, Rams head coach Mike Martz has told his players that they must live together during the off-season in a miniscule bungalow
in central Massachusetts.

"I saw the way they (Patriots) ran out on the field like that, like they were 'a team'. Well, that (Bill Belichick) is not going to get the best of me. I'm going to one-up him."

Threatened with automatic dismissal from the team if they do not follow orders, Martz' 45-man wrecking crew has already moved into the quaint, minimally furnished home located on Pine Street. One large bathroom, two king-sized beds, and a tiny living room space area will accommodate the Rams for the next five months.

"No room to breathe, no T.V.'s, no family around, no weights to lift-- damn, Coach Martz is really bringing us back to the basics," said an excited Marshall Faulk. "By the end of this we'll probably all (expletive) hate each other -- I mean, really work as a team."

"I am very much looking forward to a soothing bubble-bath with Isaac Bruce," said backup running back Trung Candidate, with giddy effervescence."I've never met the man, but he is my hero."

Offensive lineman Orlando Pace said he can't wait to get started on the off-season program. "(Defensive back) Tommy (Polley) used to do this really funny thing in the locker room, right, where he's shaving, and he'll just take this pocket-mirror and check his own ass out in it," said Pace. "With everybody knowing that now, I'd say we're hands-down favorites to win the big game next year."

CBS reportedly has been flooding Martz with phone calls and offers to film his off-season conditioning program as "Big Brother III: The Greatest Show on Carpet." Martz finds the offer tempting, but he's afraid that the ever-present cameras might belittle the intimate relationships that his players will be forging.

"Real men don't need toilets. I'm ordering Torry (Holt) to clean up Aeneas' (Williams) shit once a week-- and that's final. We'll see once and for all if these (expletive) Patriots are onto something with all of this 'team' jibber-jabber."


Willy P. Ondabich would like to remind Mike Martz that "Hard Knocks" didn't help the Ravens out of the first round or make them any less than 44 individual players centered around Ray Lewis.


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