Tuna, Keyshawn Elope In Vegas Super Bowl Wedding



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Issue #35

The Tuna shows off his Elvis Tux.
LAS VEGAS, NV – Smelling like two sailors at the end of a 3 day pass, Keyshawn Johnson and Bill Parcells pledged their love for each other at the Brother Love Chapel in Las Vegas, Nevada. 

    Parcells, wearing an Elvis wig and calling the slender Johnson "‘Scilla, " boasted a white rhinestone jumpsuit through which his many folds of fat projected.

    "I do," said blushing star receiver Keyshawn, when the minister, also dressed like Elvis, asked him whether he agreed to take his former coach to be his lawfully wedded husband. 

    The two met each other at a pre-Superbowl party held at the Sands Casino. After catching up on old times over several shots of Thor's Hammer, they slinked into the chapel to form a happy union.

    "They seem like a very loud and affectionate couple," explained Jude Stanley, who stayed at the hotel room adjacent to that of football's new supercouple. "I kept hearing Bill screaming ‘you're my receiver, you're my receiver, you're my receiver,' over and over again. At one point, I heard Keyshawn yell ‘I can't get wide' before screaming in agony. Or maybe it was pleasure. I really don't know what was going on in there. Me and the wife were gonna call the cops, but this is Vegas. People come here for experiences like this."

Luscious Rosenbaum reports that when Bill Belichick was told of his former boss's recent marriage he retorted: "Bwuuuuuhaw-haw-haw-haw!"

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