Friday, January 09, 2004

TF Inc.'s New Product Release

Some of TwistedFans' greatest ideas have often come while we've been away from the computer. One Incredible idea after another have been lost because we have lacked the technology (and memory) to record it. Worse still, we had to live knowing untold millions of interent users (the real victims) had been deprived of exposure to our genius. As the problem continued unabated, slowly realized it was up to them to remedy it. So, armed in the knowledge they fought for the good of mankind, TwistedFans set out to find a solution!

The first option we reviewed was to equip the TF staff with cell phones cable of sending in remote posts. Unfortunately, there was two main roadblocks with this idea. First, was financial. Rumor has it that cellphones cost hundreds of dollars and incur monthly fees. One quick look at the TwistedFans endowment, and we realized contributions hit an all time low in 2003 (You cheap bastards!).

Secondly, extensive research shows typing on a cell phone can be difficult while consuming large amounts of alcohol, which, more often than not, is a critical part of the TwistedFans' think tank sessions. Sadly, the idea of cellphones was scrapped.

Next, we turned to commercially available PDA's. Although easier to use during our "brainstorming" sessions, they too had their flaws. Initial reports suggested PDA's are more expensive then cell phones. Again, this is not conducive to such a cash-starved blog such as (it's as if you people don't even see our amazon ad).

Even more critical is how fragile PDA's can be. Something as minor as a drop from the roof of an apartment or being hurled across the room in a drunken rage could cause it's destruction. Obviously, PDA's were not our solution.

As we eliminated one product after enough, it became clear there was only one option left. Since the current market could not meet our demands, we decided to turn the project over to our in-house development team (who are much better than our out-house development team). Soon our brightest technicians were working hard to solve the problem. Happily, what they developed can only be described as utterly ground-breaking. In fact, each of our staff has been issued this new and revolutionary product at the beginning of the year, and all I can say is the results are outstanding.

Because of the product's success internally (and to help offset the high research and development costs), we have decided to begin producing it commercially. Without further ado, we proudly present TwistedFans' Incredible Data and Image ObjecT (IDIOT for short).
Here are but a few of it's amazing features!
  • Super shock-resistant casing
  • Low power requirement - you will never need to replace a battery, guaranteed!
  • Stylish casing - available in a rainbow of colors
  • Full color display
  • So easy to use, your kids could do it
  • Allows you to enter text and pictures
  • Now equiped with a new "Calendar" feature
  • Absolutely no monthly fees, ever!
Now, if I were to tell you it could do all that, how much would you be willing to pay? $500? $600? Well then, you'll be overjoyed to hear our price. Yes, we are letting these go for the one-time, low, low price of only $99.99!

Act now and we'll double the storage capacity for only an additional $19.95!
Hurry, supplies are limited!

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Thursday, January 08, 2004

The Rolodex Emails

There are two fascinating and similar emails going around today. One begins:
"The AP Sports desk accidentally emailed out there sports rolodex today to other newsies. If you've been wanting to raise hell with Peter Ueberroth, talk to Hammering Hank, or see how much Pete Rose was actually wagering - give em a call. Before they change their numbers. Someone at the AP is in deep doo-doo."
The other says:
"Some clown from AP Sports put his entire rolodex in a story and sent it out ... Someone is handing him a brightly colored pink slip as we speak. So many good names... can't wait to drunk dial Steinbrenner & Bush"
The list that follows both emails contains hundreds of names and numbers -- from Hank Aaron to Don Zimmer. But, many of the people are dead, and lots of the numbers are expired. Strangely, the lists from the two emails are different from each other -- which suggests interesting possibilities. I'd appreciate it if anyone who received either of these could forward them on to us at twistedfans.

Update: here

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Jason Calacanis - Image Thief

Jason Calacanis, Ex-CEO of Silicon Alley Reporter, has decided to suck up some serious bandwidth by inline linking to one of the images that we "borrowed" from ESPN quite some time ago; and of course without attribution. I guess he hasn't read what some people do to image thiefs.

Update: Received a nice email from Jason indicating that he removed the link. Thanks Jason but you should have just stole the image and linked to this stupid article about Layden.

Posted by K-Cebo at | comment

TwistedFans Reporter Taken Hostage!

Shhh! Don't let them hear you....

I've quietly posted this in hopes it will help others avoid my fate. You see, an evil empire has sent it's minion into my apartment and has enslaved me. Ever since their wires were attached, addictive messages have been sent to my brain continously. Each day I wake up lazier, fatter, more stupid, and more accepting of their tactics. It's tenticles have even ensnared my loved ones, dragging them down with me. I know it's wrong, I know I need to break away, but I just don't believe it's possible any more. The addiction has gone too far. Yes, my cable company has ruined my life.

I know what you're thinking, that it's my own fault. Of course you think that, you don't understand. You couldn't understand. No one ever understands!

It's not my fault, honest. I've canceled my cable. For four years I haven't paid a bill, but they just keep pumping it into my TV. I've even called repeatedly to have them shut it off, but to no avail. What am I suppose to do (I mean besides unhook it or cut the wire)?

Ok, you got me. This didn't really happen to me (I can stop watching whenever I want to. Really). But it did happen to this guy. I'm no lawyer, but I think he's got a case. I mean, how can you argue with this logic:
“I believe that the reason I smoke and drink every day and my wife is overweight is because we watched TV every day for the last four years”
What other possible reasoning could explain it?
You've been warned.

Posted by Crash at | comment

Tuesday, January 06, 2004

I'll be Dumpster Diving Today

My posts may be a little sparse over the next few days as I plan on spending most of my time searching a Quick Shop Food Mart dumpster in Cleveland. If my quest is successful, I promise to post on a more regular basis as soon as I quit my job.

[Update] What?!? She was lying?!?? Oh... uhhh... yeah, of course I knew that. I wasn't really routing through garbage or anything. I mean, how desperate do you think I am?

As for her and her pathetic lie, it's just another example of how low some people will sink chasing the almighty dollar. It's sad, really. Let's just be greatful we're above that, right?

On a completely unrelated note, does anyone know if Continental really refuses to give refunds on their non-refundable tickets?

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