Friday, August 29, 2003

Drivers must be responsible for their own actions
People drive like idiots, this is not up for debate. The majority of people have absolutely zero ability or desire to rationalize risk vs. rewards. They take unneccessary risks simply because they're in a bad mood or because they have an over inflated sense of their skill, coordination, and abilities.

From the simplist to the most attention-demanding actions, they make the wrong decisions. When trying to parallel park, they'll often go by "feel" instead of adequately judging how much room they have. With thousands of dollars worth of damage on the line, they'll try to squeeze by because they "think they can make it". While distracted by their cell-phones, drivers speed, refuse to check mirrors before passing/merging/reversing, and drive aggressively to "protect" their "rights" on the road. I'm actually amazed that even more people are not killed on our roadways every day.

So, when a self-proclaimed "speeder" blows a stop sign at 75 mph and kills a motorcyclist, I expect our courts to hold the driver responsible for the damage their reckless behavior has caused. Based on his history of disregarding traffic laws, I can only guess he felt they did not apply to him. The fact that this driver is a U.S. congressman should have no bearing on this case what so ever. For this reason, I am sending out a call to anyone in South Dakota to write your congressman local goverment, supreme court, and senators to ensure justice is served.

Oh, and drive safely!

Posted by Crash at | comment

Thursday, August 28, 2003

VMA Opening was HOT!

Those reports about Britney hanging with Jenna must be true. During the Video Music Awards opening act Britney and Madonna started making out and the camera cut away so I only caught a quick glimpse of Madonna kissing Christina right after.

Posted by K-Cebo at | comment

Wednesday, August 27, 2003

TF Answers Their Fan Mail
After the tremdous response concerning my "Advice To Job Seekers" post, I began to realize I have the power to directly affect the lives of our readers. Unable to postpone my fate any longer, I decided to step up to the plate. You see, since starting to write for TwistedFans, I've received a significant amount of mail asking for advice. Upon closer inspection, I realized I receive the same questions over and over again. Rather than just respond to a single user, I decided to post the answers online, so all may benefit.

Q: Do you want a prosperous future, increased earning power more money and the respect of all?
A: Yes, but my lazy readers (not you, the other readers) are a not promoting me enough.

Q: Do you need an ad that will attract magazine readers to visit your place?
A: Stay out of my server logs!

Q: Have you tried just about every diet out there-but nothing seems to work?
A: The only diet I can stick to is the all-liquid diet. My prefered liquids are red bull and vodka.

Q: 100,000 MBAs. Will you stand out?
A: Only if not having an MBA makes you stand out.

Q: Want a BIG Penis?
A: No thanks, there's already enough dicks running around here pretending to be editors.

Q: Want to create your own DVD library?
A: Thanks for the idea! We're currently in the process of converting the DVDs we buy off the streets of Manhattan into streaming video for our premium subscribers. If you'd like to be a premium subscriber, start donating large amounts to our Amazon account. I'll let you know when you've donated enough.

Q: The next big thing for digital cable users?
A: Clearly this reader is referring to new streaming DVD library and the answer is a resounding YES! Just remember, this blog is not just for digital cable users, but all internet users. So tell your friends!

Q: Çäðàâñòâóéòå, â ïðîäàæå íîâèíêè íà DVD?
A: It's obvious our international audience is excited about our new DVD library.

Q: Did you know you can get prescription medications prescribed online with no prior prescription required?
A: No, but my "associate", Ray-Ray, will deliver anywhere in Manhattan.

Q: Do you have a new invention or idea?
A: Sorry, there's no originality left on the internet.

Q: Are You 30 Days Behind on Your Mortgage or More?
A: I'm not really sure which post this refers to.

Q: Tired of Spam?
A: What's spam?

Posted by Crash at | comment

Tuesday, August 26, 2003

Advice To Job Seekers
Recently, I was asked for advice from a few friends who are looking for new jobs. Here's what I told them....

Q: Where can I find a job like yours were I can take long lunches and spend most of my time writing irrelevant posts to my blog?

A: Despite the legend, I am not the over-night success story you've been led to believe. I've spent years slowly reducing my work load and the expectations of others. Only through serious commitment and dedication can you hope to so drastically limit your actual output without also destroying your employers' belief that your job is neccessary.

Q: What is your advice regarding the discussion of salaries during the interview process?
A: I'm glad you asked...

First, let's address when you should inititate the conversation!

If a headhunters/recruiter calls you, feel free to ask immediately. If the price is not in your range, save yourself the effort. It's widely known that recruiters have no soul (much like real-estate brokers), and thus will not be upset by your inquiry.

When talking to the company directly, it depends. If it's a larger company, the HR department will be responsible for the compensation, and this topic will often come up during your interview with them (regardless if it's the first, second or third interview). You should expect HR to raise the issue, usually through the "what are your salary requirements" question. Most of the time, your future boss will not want to get involved. He'll only know the range allocated and will prefer not to discuss it out of fear of raising expectations or over-extending what HR is looking for.

If it's a smaller company, where your boss is often the same person that will decide on salary, I'd avoid the topic until at least the second interview unless he/she brings it up.

Now, on to the most important part. What to respond when HR asks you about salary...

Depending on your field, it may or may not be safe to inflate your current salary. I, uh, I have this friend. Yeah, that's it. And he always inflates my his current salary during interviews (with great results), but I know people in the financial industries who have been asked for copies of their taxes. Short of asking for this documentation, there is little chance they will be able to verify your claims. 99.99% of companies will refuse to give this information out due to fear of lawsuits. Most HR departments limit themselves to verifying if/when a person was employed. And if you're currently employed, it's acceptable to request they do not contact your employer.

When asked about the salary you expect, their are a few things to remember.

1. Regardless of your current salary, if your new position is a step up or has more responsibility, you should be expected to be compensated accordingly. Your salary should be based on the job you are taking, not what your previous salary is. Just because you were previously making $28,000/year does not mean you should be paid less than your coworkers.

2. When a division of a large company is granted permission for a new hire, a salary range is given to HR to fill the position. If they decide to hire you, your salary request is normally irrelevant as long as it falls in the selected range. For this reason, never try to make yourself more attractive by being a "bargain".

3. Never give them a fixed price. If your last job paid $54,000/year, estimate something like "I'm looking for high 50's to low 60's, depending on the position". Stress that the pay is less of a factor to you then finding a job with the right fit, but remember that you will most likely not see a raise until after your first year.

If you pigeon hole yourself by responding $58,000, and they were willing to pay $65,000, you just lost $7,000/year. For this reason, it's best to always give a range, with the stipulations that it's dependent on the job's responsibilities.

4. If you currently have a job, you'll be more attractive to a possible employer. Just as they would not expect to change positions without financial gain, they understand you expect an increase over your current salary.

5. Unless you're out of work, it's not worth taking a position where they clearly are out to hire the cheapest person. You'll end up working with other employees who met the "cheapest of the bunch" requirement. Trust me, this is not the coworkers you are looking for. In addition, if they're willing to nickle and dime you, expect to be nickeled and dimed for every raise and promotion you'll ever receive. There's little worse than having to fight for what you have already earned.

Remember, regardless of what some might try to tell you, it really is about the money. If your boss wasn't going to pay you, would you ever show up for work?

Finally, when talking to HR, remember they get a say in the hiring process (and often determine the salary offered). Treat them with the same respect you treat your potential future boss!

Posted by Crash at | comment

Nets To Leave NJ?
Having grown up in NJ, the Nets have always been my favorite basketball team. That being said, I am 100% behind NJ's decision not to saddle itself with debt to keep the team in NJ. There's just something inherently wrong with subsidizing millionaire athletes and owners who feel entitled to blackmail the public.

What's a better solution? How about community owned teams? If the public owns the team, they're not going anywhere. And instead of profits going back to the rich owners, they can be used to upgrade the stadium, reduce ticket costs, and give back to the surrounding area. According to the authors of the above article, this is not possible for most professional sports (Football actually has a rule against it, Baseball has an "unwritten rule"). Their recommendation...set up minor league systems and build them from the ground up. I gotta say, compared to $1.5 billion for new stadiums, this sounds like a great idea.

Posted by Crash at | comment

Fantasy Football

Britney Spears will appear in NFL Kickoff Live 2003 on September 4.

Britney is apparently also hanging out with Jenna Jameson lately, according to this article.

Posted by K-Cebo at | comment
Great NFL injury news but Sportsblog needs more analysis or at least some funny posts.

Posted by K-Cebo at | comment

Crazy Kobe Supporters
Letters to Kobe Bryant's judge
Judge Fred Gannett, who will be presiding over Kobe Bryant's trial for rape, has been getting quite a few letters. According to Smoking Gun, there is even a letter from Jesus Christ, the Black Messiah [and o]ur favorite is from a Jewish grandmother.

Posted by K-Cebo at | comment

Monday, August 25, 2003

Free Cup Holders! is happy to offer it's readers free cupholders.
No need to thank me.

Posted by Crash at | comment

Best California Recall Slogan
AFP-Getty Images/Carlo Allegri
Porn star Mary Carey, a candidate for governor in California's recall election, poses for a portrait after a news conference announcing the Game Show Network's new show titled 'Who Wants To Be Govenor Of California? The Debating Game' in Los Angeles.

Posted by K-Cebo at | comment

Crash's Helpful Tip Of The Day
Like to read in the bathroom? Hate the scorn and ridicule from your coworkers when you tuck a newspaper under your arm before heading in? Well keep reading and you'll no longer have to do the walk of shame ever again!

Like you, I've tried all sorts of ways to get around this. I've attempted to hide my reading material, altered my routes to the bathroom to avoid coworkers, and even resorted to reading the sections left from others. That is, until I came up with this genius idea!

Here's what you do. Before venturing to the bathroom, find a few articles online that you would like to read. Next, cut and paste them into notepad, then print the notepad article. Having reduced your reading material to a few scant pages, you can now fold it up and casually place it in a pocket. Venture forth to the restrooms, fully armed with the latest ESPN article, and enjoy!

Posted by Crash at | comment

Sunday, August 24, 2003

Damn Straight!
Many Americans make less money and work fewer hours than they did before they were laid off, and many are working below their level of experience and skill.

Posted by K-Cebo at | comment

Why men don't watch women's sports
Graham Hays: "What do I care if the maxi pad is super-absorbent?"

[Update by Crash]: Graham is wrong on basically every point. Here's why.

There are fantasy leagues for the WNBA, but they will never be as successful as the NBA's fanstasy leagues. This is not because of "market saturation", as graham suggests, but because we don't like watching the WNBA. We join fantasy leagues because we watch, we don't watch the games because we're in a league. Yes, there are NASCAR and bass fishing leagues, but the people who enter these leagues were fans well before they joined.

Sports betting is the same. People bet because they watch the games (or at least follow the league), not vice-versa. If women athletics ever gain a large fan base, the gambling will follow. Until then, I'll consider anyone resorting to betting on the WNBA a prime candidate for 1-800-Gambler.

Next, watching a sport has nothing to do with the uniforms (god knows there's been enough ugly men's uniforms in the history of the game), the team names (What the hell is a "Met"? Shouldn't it be "Maple Leaves"? Should Utah have kept the name "Jazz"?), nor does it have to do with sex appeal. And it definitely isn't about men taking a "stand" by trying to keep sports as the last bastion of masculinity.

What it is about, is the level of competition. I don't want to watch professional sports and constantly think I could easily compete with them. If I wanted to see that, I'd be down at my local park watching friends and neighbors play. I want to watch the best, to see the highest level of competition, and know that at any second, a player may perform a once-in-a-lifetime, physics-defying feat. I'm not interested in [regularly] watching the 6-feet and under basketball league, the heavy-weight division of the 1600 meter relays, or the highly intoxicated soccer league. Except maybe for comic relief.

Sure, there are exceptions, but only for a short spans, not entire seasons. I'll tune in occasionally for championships. The little league players are kids, for better or worse. I don't follow little leagues, but when the best in the game meet in the world series, I tune in to cheer them on. This has less to do with the level of play, but more to do with the "pureness" and potential of the kids. Graham also mentioned the appeal of the women's olympic soccer team. I followed them out of patriotism and a starvation for success in soccer, not because of sex appeal (trust me, the team was not "full of attractive women" as Graham would lead you to believe). It was great watching them compete on the world stage, but once they won gold, I never watched any of them again.

I've given women's basketball a shot [ha]. I've checked out UConn's team when they were ranked number 1, but I came away disappointed. To me, it was on par with watching a high school game. It lacked excitement, wasn't as fast as the men's games, and wasn't nearly as high flying.

Women's Tennis is a different story. I feel the women's league can be very exciting (in more ways then one). The men's game is dominated by the server, while the women tend to have more volleys decide the games. Sure, some will watch it just to see Anna, but many men watch it as honest fans. To sum tennis' attraction up as solely sex-appeal is a grave injustice to the sport.

So, in conclusion, Graham's article was a complete waste of time and completely wrong.

[Update by K-Cebo]: I completely agree about women's tennis being a great sport to watch and not only that but women like Serena, Hantuchova, Sharapova, Dokic and Schett are beautiful to watch on and off the court.

Posted by K-Cebo at | comment

Friday, August 22, 2003

It wasn't even imported

Here's the story of a trashy lady,
who was binging for some very frosty beers.
She wanted her alcohol like no other,
She was almost in tears.

Here's the story of a man named Vennevy
who was busy with twelve buds of his own.
He was a trailer trash dude in Albuquerque,
and yet he was all alone

Till the one day this lady met this fellow,
and his pipe came down with a crunch,
so this group would not get his beer family!
if only he had stopped with the knockout punch,
the knockout punch,
the knockout punch,
if only he had stopped with the knockout punch!

Posted by Crash at | comment

Kournikova Documentary Captures "A Beautiful Behind"
Croatian stalker/film maker Miroslav Ninoslav's documentary "A Beautiful Behind," chronicles the difficult life of often misunderstood tennis star and marketing dynamo Anna Kournikova. Ninoslav granted himself exclusive access to Kournikova for the film. Armed with little more than a digital camera and an ice pick with which to make peepholes, he followed the star to her locker room after every match and the dressing room before each Lycos commercial shoot.

The result is an intensely graphic drama narrated in Croatian whispers and grunts, and sporting a very obvious preoccupation -- Kournikova's derriere and its role in popular culture. "Look at that ass!" the director is heard whispering during a blurry and faint shot taken by a small camera affixed onto Ms. Kournikova's shower head.

While such explicit scenes seem like a blatant attempt at exploitation, Mr. Ninoslav shows that he is no ordinary perv. The film's soundtrack consists of old sitcom theme songs sung by Kournikova and captured by Ninoslav while the starlet was in the shower. In one interesting and ironic scene, shot on the fourth day of filming,  Kournikova's feet can be seen scratching each other. The musical accompaniment? Her off-key voice singing "Welcome Back Kotter."

However, amongst the tumult of ass cheeks, there is a tragic story -- the misunderstood, zero-time Grand Slam winner. "Ah, I can't match my shoes with my purse today! I'm not leaving the house." laments Kournikova, while director Ninoslav can be heard sniffing the 'missing' stiletto heels.

Kournikova's life is portrayed as one of self loathing that is exacerbated by those around her -- especially her flamboyant partner Sergei Fedorov. Anna surrounds herself with the wrong kind of people and, consequently, bathes in a pool of self pity when she cannot find true love.

The message of "A Beautiful Behind?" Every psycho's life can be made into a movie ... all you need to do is have an ass worth looking at and someone to edit the film.

Posted by K-Cebo at | comment

Thursday, August 21, 2003

wuss sports quote of the day
Kevin Millar of the Red Sox after responding to questions about pressure being put on by the Yankees:

"Take your Yankee stuff and go have fun with your Yankee stuff and watch the Yankees win and all that stuff. It's irrelevant."

They left the next part out of the boston papers. He continued by saying "I hate you! I hate all of you! Leave me alone!" and then runs out of the room sobbing?

Posted by K-Cebo at | comment

Before & After: I found my crazy ass wife via Friend Surfer

A hotheaded Connecticut bride spent part of her wedding night in jail after she flung vases and her wedding cake during a temper tantrum at her reception, police and witnesses said.

Go here to watch the home video of her arrest, but the Post has the story.

Posted by K-Cebo at | comment

Wednesday, August 20, 2003

HELL hath no fury like a "Juggie" scorned.
Man Show newbies Joe and Doug have pissed off the trampoline topping Juggies:
"Joe had one Juggie fired so he could hire some girl he liked," says a source close to one of the busty beauties. "But it didn't work out. She wasn't any good, and they had to let her go." To make matters worse, claims our source, "None of the girls thinks the new hosts are as funny as Jimmy and Adam."
That's right, Jimmy used to be funny when he was on the Man Show. Maybe he should see if they'll let him back.

You can go hear to read the rest of the story on Juggiegate.

Or you could look at pics of your favorite juggies here.

Posted by K-Cebo at | comment

First, But Not The Last
Walking home from work yesterday, I saw my first "I Survived The Blackout of 2003 In NYC" T-shirt. The speed which t-shirt manufacturers must work is amazing. For example, any time the lowest seed pulls out the upset and makes the finals, your friendly vendor has your shirt ready by the time you leave the stadium. When a natural disaster occurs, you can be sure sovigners will be sold on your way off the island. Perhaps the only thing faster than a t-shirt-to-market is my ability to stop caring about the actual event.

As far as I'm concerned, there are only 3 possible explanations:
  1. Running a highly organized operation, with a response time that would make your neighborhood superhero blush, t-shirt manufacturers are constantly on stand-by. With a team of designers ready to dream up (steal) the newest witty phrase, they are no more than 30 seconds away from any imaginable silk-screening.
  2. T-Shirt vendors are responsible for everything! All sporting events are fixed, elections are pre-arranged, and natural disasters are not so natural.
  3. Street Vendors are psychic
Now, #1 is just a bit too unrealistic, #2 seems plausible, but my money is on #3 (all street vendors have psychic powers).

Posted by Crash at | comment

Cool Tool
The Gender Genie thinks Crash is a girl if you enter the "Best Laid Plans" post.

Posted by K-Cebo at | comment

Tuesday, August 19, 2003

This is great!
Horrible Hollywood isn't blaming their lack of originality on summer movie flops but on texting.

Posted by K-Cebo at | comment

Monday, August 18, 2003

Scores, Under New Management
Stephen King, the award winning suspense writer, has purchased the legendary strip club Scores! Mr. King has promised that the club will remain relatively unchanged, with only minor modifications. In his first official act, Stephen King has demanded that all dancers will now "take it all off". When asked how this is different from the current policy, Mr. King responded that it now includes their skin.

[To see what this picture is really about, go here]

Posted by Crash at | comment

The Best Laid Plans
In case you haven't heard, there was a small blackout the other day (K-Cebo, where were you?). Here's my story....

As soon as the lights went out, I new exactly what had happened. Yes, a huge magnetic pulse from outer space had decimated civilization and rendered all modern technology useless. Realizing there was no time to spare, I was on my feet and heading for the exit, ignoring the pleas of my coworkers trapped behind me. It bacame apparent that my procrastinations in both my personal life and work life had finally paid off! While others were tired and confused, my mind was unhindered and focused on the situation! Fleeing my cubicle prison and the heavy burdens of modern life (read: credit card bills), I was ready to embrace my future in the "new order". After gathering my supplies, I headed to my secret lair and hunkered down. My plan was simple, wait out the initial riots, then emerge ready to assume my position of power. Enventually, I resurfaced. To my dismay, power had been returned to the masses (Damn you Con-Edison!). Putting my plan of world domination on hold (for now), I reluctantly headed back to my apartment and the undeniable fact that I would have to return to work.

Arriving home, It became clear my luck had taken another turn for the worse. Yes, lacking any form of air-conditioning, my roommates brains had apparently melted. This unfortunate occurrance became obvious once I opened my fridge to see what had survived. Apparently not much. In fact, only my Brita pitcher was able to pull through the blackout of 2003. You see, "just to be safe", my roommates had thrown out any edible substance in the apartment

Now, mind you, I understand that some food spoils. Meats for example (not counting pepperoni and beef jerky). And I'd probably consider eggs a prime candidate for the trash heap. But what about frozen green beans? Even if they had completely defrosted, did they really became rancid in under 24 hours? And don't even get me started on my condiments. Apparently butter, ketchup, 3 types of mustard, hot sauce, and even vinegar (which doesn't require refridgeration) had become suspect to the geniuses I live with. Don't forget my fruit and bag of salad, or the half liter of soda I had. There can only be three conclusions drawn from my roommates actions:
  • Fearing the worst, my roommates bartered all remaining substanance to hot bikini-clad woman in return for one last moment of pleasure
  • My roommmates are lazy and, realizing that most of the food wasn't theirs, found it easier to throw out everything than make any type of decisions
  • My Roommates are idiots
I'll leave it to the reader to decide, I've got a food supply to restock.

Posted by Crash at | comment

Crash's Law (adopted from Boyle's Law)
Pedestrains, regardless of the size of the sidwalk, will occupy as much as neccessary to block me from passing.

After many years of controlled observations, Crash's Law has finally been upgraded from Crash's Theory. It has now been conclusively proven that pedestrians have the ability to expand across any width of sidewalk, in an attempt to prevent me from passing them and maintaining a normal pace. It has further been proven that the rate of expansion is proportional to my desire to pass them, and is not related to their rate of forward momentum.

In essence, this is an expansion on Boyle's Law which states that gas will expand to fill any container. And since we're on the subject of gases... the likelyhood of the 'blocker(s)' exuding unpleasant bodily odors and/or smoking is directly related to their ability to expand.

Although easy to reproduce in a lab, nature provides abundant examples of this phenomenon.

Posted by Crash at | comment

Don't Try This At Home
Go to this news article, and click on the video titled "Naked Man". Here's the background information for you: Possibly (?) strung out on drugs, a naked 19 year old rampages through a neighborhood before attacking the police responding to the call.

If anyone finds out exactly what caused this kid to completely snap, please let me know.


Posted by Crash at | comment

But It's Just Too Good
Discussion with a female coworker:

Female Coworker: I'm a pseudo-vegetarian
Me: What's a pseudo-vegetarian?
F: Well, I avoid eating meat whenever possible, but if it's served to me, I'll eat it rather than make a scene.
Me: Seems reasonable enough, I'd say you're just a polite vegetarian.
F: But I also eat fish.
Me: Still a vegetarian. I don't think most people conider fish animals.
F: ... and I also eat bacon.
Me: You eat bacon? I think that automatically disqualifies you as a vegetarian.
F: No! I want to be a good vegetarian, but bacon's just too good to give up, so I'm a pseudo-vegetarian, see?

Posted by Crash at | comment

Saturday, August 16, 2003

The Madden Curse Strikes Again
coverThe MADDEN NFL cover jinx has sidelined Michael Vick, who fractured his right fibula against Baltimore on Saturday and was carted off the field after he was tackled from behind and his leg was caught in the turf.

Last year we told you to trade Marshall Faulk before it was too late because past MADDEN NFL cover boys Daunte Culpepper and Eddie George both went down the year's they were on the cover.

Posted by K-Cebo at | comment

Britney, the Olsens and Paris
Britney Spears' pics in NYT Magazine: Britney Oops! I'm Naked!

Also in the NYT, an article on Bookies in Exile.

If marriage is slavery for women, then divorce is slavery for men.

Olsen twins grace cover of Rolling Stone.

Paris in Maxim.

If I get my assistant pregnant, do I get to take maternity leave? [The Man Show]

An article in the Atlanta Journal-Constitution about porn going mainstream.

My good friend in need.
Asked me for a hand today,
So I obliged him.
[Leprosy Haikus]

Old Maria Sharapova pics.

Finally, Fun with the Google Calculator.

Posted by K-Cebo at | comment

Friday, August 15, 2003

Where were you when the lights went out?
If I hear that question one more time I'm gonna knock someone's lights out myself. I was in post-op OR in Union Square trying to pee in the dark so I could leave the hospital after surgery. Here's what some other people were doing: here, here, here and here.

Posted by K-Cebo at | comment

Thursday, August 14, 2003

Schwee Needs Daget Mo Inks
Last night, K-Cebo and I went out for a few [too many] beers. Becoming more inebriated than we realized, the topic turned to increasing the number of's readers. My brilliant contribution to the conversation was that we need to get more links. He seemed perplexed at my request, but relented to go along with the plan. In hindsight, either he misheard me or I slurred my words (or a little bit of both), because today, I woke up looking like this. No word on K-Cebo's condition.

Posted by Crash at | comment

So What's It Going To Take To Make You Read This Blog?
My first excursion to a car dealership ended in utter frustration, similiar to WizBang's recent trip into Hell. However, my problem wasn't powerless employees, but pushy employees.

Employee: Can I help you with anything?
Me: Not right now, I just started looking so I'm just checking out the new models.
Employee: I see you noticed the xxxxx, what do you think it's worth?
Me: I don't know, like I said, I just started looking.
Employee: I know, but just give me a ballpark figure. What do you think would be a good price for this car?
Me: Maybe $15,000?
Employee: Come sit down at my desk, I'll be right back.
(after waiting a few minutes)
Employee: Here you go, sign this contract here and you can drive away with that car for only $15,000!
[This is when I left]

I also once new a guy who, confronted by a pushy salesman, finally told him that he couldn't buy the car today because his checkbook was at home. What did the salesman do? He followed him home, of course.

The moral of this post is that there are alot of sleazy car salesmen with lots of sleazy techniques, so just make sure you do your homework.

Posted by Crash at | comment

Wednesday, August 13, 2003

I Have No Stress
After failing miserably in my attempt to explain the Men's Health Article "Why Stress Doesn't Exist" to a friend, I will save myself further embarrassment and just post the link.

Posted by Crash at | comment

Corey Levitan gets his shot at porn
Levitan, a freelance writer was on Stern this morning discussing his upcoming Playboy article, Looking for Love in All the Strange Places, wherein he details his accounts of picking up women at a funeral parlor, ob/gyn clinic and scientology seminar. The Post has a related story about his day on a porn set here.

Posted by K-Cebo at | comment

A Different Perspective On The Iraq War
Read this article concerning the Iraq War, as seen through the eyes of the Iraqi Military leaders. Although it fails to give enough credit to the vast superiority of the US Armed Forces, it's interesting to hear the mistakes made by Iraqis and where they feel the blame should lie.

This and other great links can be found at

Posted by Crash at | comment

Dave Winer says:
the earliest bloggers have been "at it" for almost nine years. [*]

My internet life (condensed version sans porn):

1994: Downloading pics of Gillian Anderson onto floppies from univ library 'puter.
1995: Getting banned from chat rooms for not understanding what the hell was going on? What the hell is virtual snuffsex? I still don't get it.
1996: Starting to figure out email; must use very slow AOL; opened hotmail account.
1997: Cool there are commercial web sites -- spend lots of time looking for original South Park video.
1998-2000: I get it you use the internet to do research (law school years) and your computer to play hearts.
2001: Started :: sports, sex and humor since the dawn of the 21st Century. Didn't know blogging software existed so I had to use a frontpage, a paper clip, scissors and cuteftp.
2002: Graduated to blogger software, makes work easier but no one understands wha the hell a blog is, writers leave en masse.
2003: Enlist Crash. He's funny. Steal MT design. Site looks good. Blogging good.

Posted by K-Cebo at | comment

Tuesday, August 12, 2003

Understanding the difference between real and not real in men's magazine. [pnsfw]

What about this TV Guide cover is this for real? [via Adrants] [pnsfw]

NYT fiddling with Iraq photos? Look at the bumper -- still don't see it -- try scrolling the bumper with your cursor.

The Beautiful Hilton Sisters. [pnsfw]

Good article on the independent film business. Specifically about how August has become a prime month to release 'art-house' films.

Good article on the costs of winning in baseball. Are any GM's still dealing with this guy? Moneyball reviewed on Amazon.

Posted by K-Cebo at | comment

What does Google Think Of You?
Check out googlism and see what the world's leading search engine thinks of you.

Posted by Crash at | comment

RU Football 2003 Review
"Cynics love to rip Rutgers. But for the 100th time, we're warning be wary of the Scarlet Knights. Yeah, they lost to Villanova and Buffalo last season, but Greg Schiano's boys finally will come of age. Rutgers biggest problem, a dreadful O-line, should be much improved under the direction of new line coach Mario Christobal, a former all-Big East lineman at Miami. Christobal also now has four new athletic 300-pounders to work with. The Knights also will have one of the country's best-kept-secret recruits in speedy wideout Marcus Daniels from Miami. Oh, and one other thing to remember, for all the talk about how Schiano has only targeted South Florida, just remember that Rutgers did end up with New Jersey's two top prep recruits in the past two years: linebacker Berkeley Hutchinson and DT Nate Robinson. He also has a commitment from the state's top QB recruit this fall, Mike Teel, who plays for the East's top team Don Bosco Prep."

-Taken from Bruce Feldman's 8/12/03 ESPN Article
I wonder what the oddsof a decent season is?

Posted by Crash at | comment

Maybe It's Time To Move On
I have been seriously looking back upon our relationship and now have a very clear idea on what I need and desire from it. We both know that the last few years have been tough, but we always said the hard times would be worth it once we began to move forward. Now I'm not so sure. I am starting to wonder if maybe we are not right for each other anymore. I always believed you as you promised that we would "turn the corner", and I continued to convince myself that this time would be different.

I understand there will be times when I will have to endure a beating or two, but it can't be every week, like it used to be. And this insn't just about the brutal beatings, it's also about the broken promises. I constantly judged and criticized your mistakes, in the same manner that you judged and criticized me for not supporting you enough. I couldn't help but see the potential in you, yet whenever I'd come to see you, it was always the same thing. Sure, we would start off great, but soon enough we'd fall into our old habits. First the beatings would begin, then I'd start drinking to dull the pain. Some times I would even start drinking before I saw you, just knowing that a beating was coming. Eventually, we both ended up leaving disappointed.

Remember when we first started out, back when I had just started college? Remember how we used to celebrate together? Before the beatings? When we didn't always have to console ourselves with thoughts of "next time"? Sure I used to drink back then, but it was always joyful and fun. Those were great times. I miss those times.

I think we both need to let go of the past, learn from our experiences, and move on from there. We have been through a lot together... I have a learned a lot about myself, as you have learned a lot about yourself. At this point, we should both be ready to graduate to the next level... but I need to believe your ready to go there.

This is not about you or about me winning or losing. I don't want to find someone else, but there are only so many times when we can try again. Believe me when I say I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make this work. I understand that we need to rebuild, that our problems can't be fixed over night. If you want me to travel to your house every other weekend to be with you, I'll do that. Just show me that things are getting better, that this is going to be the start of the good times, ok? Because I swear this is the last try, I won't let you hurt me again and I won't let me friends laugh at me for standing by you.

I hope your not mad at me for telling you how I feel, but I needed to get this off my chest. Now, let's get ready for the season and show the league what we're made of, ok Rutgers Football?

Still yours,

Posted by Crash at | comment

Monday, August 11, 2003

I Could Have Been Valedictorian
The University of Washington is now offering a class on Everquest, the online fantasy role playing game. In addition, each student is required to keep a blog where they will record their observations, insights, and evolving research questions.

Posted by Crash at | comment

NJ Fans to Renegotiate Ticket Prices
Previously unaware that a signed agreement means absolutely nothing, the New Jersey Nets' fans have decided to follow in Kenyon Martin's footsteps and renegotiate their seasonal contract. Although below the numbers generated by certain other teams' fans, the NJ fans have increased their average attendance by roughly 10% over last years attendance and feel entitled to a new deal before the season begins. Currently, management is offering the NJ fans single season tickets for $3300/seat, while the fans are seeking a two year deal in the ballpark of $4000/seat.

Reachable only through their agent, the NJ Fans have stated that negotiations have broken off and they are now demanding a trade for Blazer Tickets.

Posted by Crash at | comment

The Washington Post is reporting that at least one of the American "Human Shields" that went to Iraq before the war is being fined by the government. Faith Fippinger faces $10,000 in fines or 12 years in jail for violating the U.S. sanctions that prohibited American citizens from engaging in "virtually all direct or indirect commercial, financial or trade transactions with Iraq."

A little googling of "Faith Fippinger" sheds more light on who she is and why she did what she did. In my opinion, Faith is a grandmother-like figure who considers all war to be wrong, regardless of circumstances. She headed to Iraq with the idea of being a human shield (protecting oil refineries from bombs), but ended up helping the Iraqis by volunteering in a hospital.

Although I don't know enough to make a firm decision on her fine, I would guess that it is fair decision. Even though she did not directly interfere with the U.S. military (and thus avoided a treason charge), she did knowingly violate the sanctions. She must be accountable for her actions and should pay the fine. That being said, I do acknowledge the benefit she may have added to the Iraqi civilians through her work in the hospital and hope that, now that the military action is complete, more U.S. citizens volunteer in similar ways.

Posted by Crash at | comment

Coming to America
Captain Pete landed in Georgia at 5:45 AM today. That means my brother's Iraq tour is officially over. To celebrate, check out the Bath Party's homepage.

Posted by Crash at | comment

Seattle Flash Mob
The Defective Yeti is joining the flash mob craze and setting one up for Seattle. Go here to read how to participate.

They've been done in NYC, San Fran, London, Minneapolis, Denver, Tokyo and just about every where else. The only uncharted territory for flash mobs is the midwest. Once that happens, we can lump flash mobs (along with trucker hats) into the "Things the world does not need" category and move on to the 'next big thing'.

[Thanks to Boing-Boing for the mash-up link]

Posted by Crash at | comment

Shockey Seeking Groupies
Shockey has now replaced Tyson as the most quoteable sports figure. Did you hear the latest comments from him? No, its not the Parcells comment. In the latest issue of Maxim he says something like:
"Some guys in the league have girls around the country. They have a girl in Dallas, a girl in Arizona, a girl in Philly, etc. I don't have any girls so if you are a hot chick and you want to get with me please send a photo of yourself into Maxim or the New York Giants." He also said that his favorite fantasy would be to "have a 'threesome' with a mother and her twin daughters".

Posted by K-Cebo at | comment

Thursday, August 07, 2003

The Govinator
Ah-nold is running for governor! Like a real NYTime's journalist (read: I made this up), I rushed out to interview the movie star on today's top issues. I present that interview here, in hopes of aiding the citizens of California during what can only be described as a difficult electorial decision!

TF: Do you have any advice for Governor Gray on the eve of his recall?
Ah-nold: Hasta la vista, baby! (Terminator 2, 1991)

TF: If elected, will you seek a second term?
Ah-nold: I'll be back. (Terminator, 1984)

TF: What are your opinions on women's rights?
Ah-nold: They're... strange and sensitive and they have compassion. I have the highest respect for women. (Twins, 1988)

TF: Why should we vote for you over candidate Larry Flynt, the Hustler mogul?
Ah-nold: I'm not a pervert. (Jingle All The Way, 1997)

TF: Fair enough, but what about the other candidates? What seperates you from the rest of the pack?
Ah-nold: I'm a cybernetic organism: living tissue over a metal endoskeleton. (Terminator 2, 1991)

TF: What about balancing the budget? Do you think you can maintain a balanced budget?
Ah-nold: If I break it, they can take it outta my pay. (True Lies, 1994)

TF: Do you support the death penalty?
Ah-nold: If it bleeds, we can kill it. (Predator, 1987)

TF: Have you picked a campaign slogan yet?
Ah-nold: Relax, you'll live longer. (Total Recall, 1990)

TF: Isn't that a bit overly simplified for your audience?
Ah-nold: No, this is California. (Last Action Hero, 1993)

TF: What are your feelings about the legalization of marijuana for medicinal purposes?
Ah-nold: You ship drugs to my country, and one morning you will wake up and find your testicles floating in a glass of water next to your bed. (Red Heat, 1987)

TF: If you win, what will you tell the people of California to reassure them things will get better?
Ah-nold: STOP WHINING! You kids are soft! You lack discipline! WELL I'VE GOT NEWS FOR YOU, YOU ARE MINE NOW! YOU BELONG TO ME! (Kindergarden Cop, 1990)

Well there you have it! Happy voting!

[For a more serious look at Governor Ah-nold, check out CalBlog, and don't miss's reasons on why he stands a chance]. Dan Gillmor explains why California[ns] must be nuts! See also: Lonewacko and PoliPundit [via Instapundit].

Posted by Crash at | comment

Wednesday, August 06, 2003

Today's Q & A
Q: If you could choose anyone to write a blog, either dead or alive, who would it be?
A: The alive guy.

Seriously, though, you know who should write a blog? Bill Watterson! From what I can gather, Bill is a fiercely private individual, so most likely it will never happen. But if it did, it would be the greatest blog ever, I guarantee it. I'd even pay to read it. Who's blog would you like to read (present company excluded, of course)?

Posted by Crash at | comment

Ethics? We don't need no stinkin' ethics
I just finished reading Justine's post about the unwritten rules of blogging, and felt the need to voice my opinion (of course). Here are her rules (abridged, go here to read the complete post):
Rule #1. Don't talk about fight club Link to your sources.
Rule #2. Don't edit your posts, only update.

Whew! Such an exhausting list! A few of her readers go on to add such rules as always perform "Hat-tipping", while others go on to lament that bloggers don't need any rules.

Here's my opinion, feel free to disagree: Blogging is a free society, with no authoritative powers. Thus, there can be no true rules, written or unwritten, but merely guidelines that bloggers can choose to follow. Those choosing to ignore the guidelines risk ridicule, loss of readership, and loss of referrals, but not loss of their privilege (dare I say, their right?) to blog.

My personal guidelines:
1. Link to your sources. This may or may not include hat-tipping. If you see a post on another blog that links to a popular post elsewhere, or a widely known news source, linking directly to the source is ok. If someone links to a post on boing-boing, the NY Times, or yahoo, you may directly link to their source. If it's a little known source, give credit where it's due for the research involved in finding it.
2. Don't steal. This includes plagiarism. Also, do not take an entire post, even if you're linking to it. Take only a fraction, and let your readers link to the original content if they seek more.
3. Say something. No one likes links that say "Click Here!" or "This is funny" (unless it is meant to be a surprise). Try adding something of value, or at least give a summary of why readers should click.
4. Don't alter the message of a post. It's fine to edit a post for clarity, syntax, length, or humor, but do not change the meaning of your message. If you are mistaken or wrong, be a man (or woman), admit it in an update, apologize if neccesary, and move on.
5. All links not safe for work (NSFW - now you know what it means) should be posted as such.

Now that I think about it, there's not a whole lot to this. I'll keep you updated if/when Justine expands on her idea, though. Remember, in the words of the immortal Dr. Venkman (Ghostbuster extrodinaire), "it's actually more of a guideline than a rule", so don't complain when I break 'em.

On my blog, I blogged about bloggers blogging about the rules of blogs.

Posted by Crash at | comment

NY Daily News Stories
Here's a few amusing stories I came across while riding a NY Waterway Ferry:

Yo Quiero Ayuda
A Central Park Hawk (trained to scare off pigeons and rodents) has attacked a Chihuahua. While the Taco Bell star look-alike was scratching around some bushes, the Harris Hawk swooped down and attacked him until it was pulled off by bystanders. The dog, left with scratches and a puncture wound, is being treated with antibiotics.
"I'm absolutley certain my bird mistook it for a rat"
-falconer Thomas Cullen
It's an easy mistake, Thomas.

You can take a man out of his trailer, but you can't take the trailer out of the man
After winning over $300 Million in the powerball, Jack Whittaker had $545,000 stolen from him while he "sobered up" at a strip club.

Reason To Worry
Finding the worrywart annoying, 36-year-old Hiram Cruz of the Bronx assualted the lovable Telly Monster with his umbrella.

Posted by Crash at | comment

Tuesday, August 05, 2003

Beer Belly Battle
Chubby Gut v. Hogbelly

Update: According to Hogbelly is only up to a BMI of 37.9 (Obese). I won't be impressed until he hits 40+ (Very obese - seek medical advice). To accomplish this, he needs to gain another 14 pounds (or lose 2 inches).

Posted by K-Cebo at | comment

The more points the better
What is about the words Modified Stableford that actually makes me mildly interested enough to not immediately turn off golf?

Posted by K-Cebo at | comment

Britney Spears in Elle
I direct you to go here [nsfw].

Backstory: One of my buddies at work said "Britney is naked on the cover of the British Elle." In a few quick clicks I had found the pics for him.

Posted by K-Cebo at | comment

Kobe Update
Has Greg Wyshynski found Kobe's accuser: "Was it really her? I can only assume so. It wasn’t the bogus victim pictured in formal wear on several web sites recently. Those sites took the photos down; the wrongfully accused--though smashingly attired--Colorado woman now has her lawyers’ sights set on them."

Also, lawyers have all the Kobe's news fit to print.

Prior KB posts: here and here.

I found a market to wager whether or not Kobe will be convicted here:

Posted by K-Cebo at | comment

Survival of the fittest
Here's an email I just received [Cliff Clavin talking to Norm in Cheers]:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members."

"In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
Hard to argue with logic like that.

Posted by Crash at | comment

Most Impressive Boxing Statistic
According to the NYTimes (reg required), Mike Tyson, who has earned over $400 Million, is somehow bankrupt and $27 Million in debt. Even assuming his lawsuit against Don King is credible and he was duped out of $100 Million, Tyson still managed to burn through a bit of cash.

Here are a few of Iron Mike's extravaganzas:
  • $1.6 Million dollar watch (two years into his 'financial hardships')
  • It's estimated that, as of 1988, Tyson had bought 110 cars (so what's he at in 2003?)
  • a zoo of exotic animals including Bengal tigers (which he liked to wrestle)
  • mansions in Maryland, Las Vegas (2), Cleveland and New Jersey
  • $410,000 on a birthday party (my personal favorite).

Posted by Crash at | comment

I highly recommend
looking through our archives. Compared to what I read on some other sites there is actually a plethora of original funny stuff published on this site. I was just looking at these:

Following up on a story
over at regarding whether TBDSSP gal Lisa Guerrero should be judged based upon her upcoming FHM photospread.

Lisa Guerrero semi-naked pic used to be available at Maxim and a full size pic of his thumbnail is available here.

Posted by K-Cebo at | comment

NY Times is experimenting with full width pics in hopes of keeping viewers from clicking
The Pussycat Dolls is one of NBC's minimovies that the network plans to show during commercial breaks

Pic from NBC Hopes Short Movies Will Keep Viewers From Flipping

More on the Times: Apparently Crash has been unable thus far to unearth any blog plagiarism, but there is no lack thereof emanating from the Times, as this article by Howie Kurtz explains. [via J.D. Lasica]

Posted by K-Cebo at | comment

Monday, August 04, 2003

Forget Me Not
I have a problem.

I have no short term memory. It's not so much that I forget things, but more that I fail to remember things in the first place. Once my mind becomes focused on a specific thought, it basically stops paying attention to the rest of the world, including any actions I may be performing. At this exact moment, I have no clue where my building ID card is. It was on top of my dresser Friday night, I started to get ready to leave for the weekend (more on that later), and then it was gone. No, I didn't pack it. Yes, I checked. Yes, I checked again. Let's move on, ok?

The real mental hiccup occurred last Thursday. After riding my mountain bike to work, I locked it up as usual. I have one of those super-strong, U-shaped locks that are all but inpenetrable. Rumor is that it's constructed out of the same material as airplanes' black boxes. So, knowing my bicycle was secure, I decided it would be a good idea to transfer the key from the string it was on to my key chain. With this thought in mind, I wandered over to a nearby desk and began to take it off the flimsy shoelace that it was on. This is were my memory goes fuzzy.

Next thing I know, it's 6:30 PM and I'm getting ready to go home, but there is no bike-lock key on my key-chain. Instead, there is a key I've never seen before. Deciding I need to solve the mystery of the missing key before tackling the mystery of the new key, I begin to take action. I ask around, check the area around my bike, send a few emails, locate our buildings lost & found, etc... I even went so far as to clean my desk. Alas, my searching was in vain. After accepting my fate, I put my spare lock on the bike (What? You don't carry a spare lock?), and then took the subway home, defeated.

This problem isn't really my fault, it's genetic. Most of the time, it takes my relatives three tries to get my name right. My Mom's even gone so far as to get a small voice recorder, to be used as a substitute short-term memory. Unfortunately, all of the messages say "Why'd I press this damn button?!?"

Ok, back to the bike. This is not a big problem. I'll just get the back-up key, right? Wrong. There is no back-up key. Long story short, I borrowed the lock, and the lock's owner already lost the first key. So basically, I'm in a bad situation. My bike is locked at work, I have no key, and I refuse to pay a locksmith. This means if I don't find the key the next day (Friday), I was going to have spend all day Saturday trying to cut through an inch of steel with a hacksaw. I have no idea if that will even work, but that is my back-up plan.

Friday comes, and I spend the better part of the day retracing my steps. Still, there is no sign of the key. Finally, one of the maintenance workers remembers that he found a key sitting on top of the desk near my bike. What did he do with it? He put in another desk's drawer, of course. Sure enough, we go to the other desk, open up it's drawer, and there sits my key.

I still didn't have a clue where the other key came from, but I was beginning to form a theory. Becoming lost in thought, my body remembered that the task at hand was to add a key to a keychain. Not having the smartest subconscious, it wasn't fussy about which key. The mystery key must have been sitting on the desk, which clearly met the once criteria my mind was looking for. Without another thought, the key quickly was added to my keychain. In hindsight, I should be glad I ended up with the right keychain.

As for the mystery key, I assumed it was for the desk next to my bike. After testing, this proved to be correct. With the mystery solved, I left the key on top of the desk, presumably to be moved to a random location by the building's crack maintenance staff.

Posted by Crash at | comment

Fo' shizzle
I've been blogging for just over a month now (that must be some kind of record, right?), and have managed to at least entertain myself. However, I always knew something was missing. Today I found out what it was. Let me present to you, as written by Snoop Dogg!

Credit goes to Paige's blog for steering me to, which made this all possible.

Posted by Crash at | comment

Friday, August 01, 2003

More fun with mobs
Ok, kids, it's time for mob #6! Technically, 6.5 because I already hosted mob #6, but I digress.

Time/Date: Thursday, August 7th (approximately 7 pm)
Meeting Places:
Hamburger Harry's, 145 W. 45th St.
Connolly's Pub, 121 W. 45th St.
Charley O's, 218 W. 45 St.
Howard Johnson's, 1551 Broadway

A MOB representative will appear in the bar and will pass around further instructions.

But wait, no one knows who the "mob representatives" are! So here's what you do:
Show up at the bar at the specified time, but come prepared with your own stack of instructions. Where else are you going to find hundreds of impressionable people willing to do anything a slip of paper says, just because you tell them they're rebellious? Ok, your town's high-school. Besides that? No where, that's where.

Some suggestions:
-Send them to different meeting locations, thus creating the first anti-Mob
-Send them far away, testing their fear of traveling off the island
-Send them to this website

(other posts on Mobs here and here)

Posted by Crash at | comment

Weapons of Ass Destruction
So the Pope came out (no pun intended) and called gay marriages the "legalization of evil". This is not surprising given the Vatican's previous stance on homosexuality, but it raises questions about their priorities.

So let me get this straight (ha!):
  • Gay marriages are evil

  • overthowing a brutal regime is immoral

Everyone clear? Good. So what I would like to know is, what would the Vatican's stance be if Saddam was gay?

Posted by Crash at | comment

Register For Your SNL Tickets Now
Just a friendly reminder, SNL tickets go up for grabs starting today.

Posted by Crash at | comment

Read more in the Archives