June 5, 2001

Issue 3

Sports Coverage the Way it Should Be!
Published Tuesdays

Previous Issues

May 29, 2001
May 22, 2001

Tangled Web

Casey at the Wheel: Supreme Court Permits Martin Use of Roadster VT
Sampras' French Open Gaffe: "I Had No Idea I Was Playing A Woman"
Ankiel Throws First Ever Special Olympics No-Hitter!
Evil NBA Conspiracy Succeeds: 76ers In Finals
Tijuana Worms Show Community They Care
Tijuana Worms' Ownership Promises Successful Inaugural Season
Pedro Admits to Homo- Necrophilia: "Wake Up
the Bambino and I'll Drill Him in the Ass"
Special Olympics Team Member Reveals: "We Threw the Ankiel Game"
Jockey Rides German Shepherd to Victory in Belmont Stakes
David Wells:
"Bobby V. is My Dad"
Richard Simmons Keeps Pain of "Lost" Daughters Venus and Serena Inside, Prepares Sir Charles for NBA Return
Daryl Strawberry and Robert Downey Jr. Violate Probation, Each Other, get Drunk at mini-bar in Martin's Lamborghini

Twisted Features

QT&A with Anna K.
Twisted Hall of Fame
Classic Rants
Advice Guy Bry
MudBowl Shrine
Twisted Trivia
Win a prize for correctly answering this week's
Trivia Quiz!
How many of Steve Garvey's 72 children are illegitimate?
Submit Answer

Last Week's Quiz

Congratulations to last week's winner who correctly answered that there are NO exciting rivalries in Men's Tennis today?


Twisted Cruller

Bunting is Perfectly OK, Mr. Brenly
Super Agent Steinberg Sues Former Partner
for Stealing Clients
John Starks:
3 Strippers, But Still Only 1 Ball
Dog shows are a Sport?
Pay Rod
Selective War on Drugs

Twisted News
Casey at the Wheel: Supreme Court Permits Martin Use of Roadster VT on PGA Tour
Washington, D.C.The Supreme Court ruled last Tuesday that disabled golfer Casey Martin will be granted the use of a 2001 Lamborghini Diablo Roadster VT at all professional golf tournaments. Martin was elated by the decision. read on>>


Evil NBA Conspiracy Succeeds: 76ers In Finals
Though laughed at by most, a group of conspiratorial, hooded, and downright evil individuals succeeded in their quest to ensure the Philadelphia 76ers surpassed the Milwaukee Bucks to face the Los Angeles Lakers in the NBA Finals. read on>>


Ankiel Throws First Ever Special Olympics No-Hitter!
Rick Ankiel made progress in his attempt to reach the majors again. Utilizing just one outfielder and three catchers camped at various depths behind the batter's box, Ankiel seemed unbeatable as he buzzed through the U.S. Special Olympics baseball team's lineup... read on>>


Sampras' French Open
Gaffe: "I Had No Idea I Was Playing A Woman"

Roland Garros, France—Pete Sampras played almost two full sets before realizing the problem. It all began when Sampras walked onto Frenchwoman Amelie Mauresmo's court. Officials failed to notify Mauresmo that her intended opponent, Mary Joe Fernandez, had pulled up lame in a training exercise the previous night and forfeited the match. read on>>


Twisted Poll
Who should play the
title role in the made- for-T.V. movie about Pat Riley?
Burt Reynolds
William Shatner
Dom DeLuise
Stephen Hawking

Twisted Statistics

Worst-Ever Boxing Nicknames

Victor "/Victoria" Stevens
Joe "The Pedophile" Duncan
"Garrulous" Greg Flynn
Bill "Needledick" Noonan
Lawrence "The Leper" Smith
"Rectal" Roger Deacon

Top Story
Tijuana Worms'
Foreign Ownership Promises Successful Inaugural Season

"Ay Carumba!"
Worms owner Ahmed Ahmed announces money and explosives as possible keys to success at a press conference in downtown Tijuana. read on>>


Tijuana Worms Show Community They Care
Members of the Tijuana Worms, in attempt to win over tentative Mexican hockey fans, have launched a community service program. Virtually all of the players are taking time our of their busy lives to serve as Zapatista rebels. read on>>


Editorial Special to TwistedFans™:
"From the Bench" by Justice Antonin Scalia

"Wild Pitchers can not throw from a mound ten feet from the plate. That is ludicrous and does not comport with the historical underpinnings of the game of baseball. The Framers of the Constitution pitched from sixty feet. When they were unable to pitch, they got drunk and had sex with whores who were prohibited from having abortions. There are no grounds upon which to base anything the majority has held today or in the past."


This Week's Question
for Advice Guy Bry:

Dear AGB,
My son loves Allen Iverson, but he keeps bugging me to allow him to get tattoos and be more involved in racial violence. As a mother, of course I'm opposed to these kind of things for a seven year old. How should I handle it?
Wondering in West Philly

Dear Wondering,
Sure, let your son get the tattoos and do some rioting. Both are great for building character in a young man, as well as upper-body strength (e.g., when tossing burning cars or trash cans) and resistance to pain, all of which will serve him well in his years to come.

Stay tuned for next week as AGB will be visiting with Tijuana Worms President Ahmed-Ahmed.

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