June 5 , 2001

 Issue 3

A Tangled Web of Intrigue
Published Weekly

PhiladelphiaThough laughed at by most, a group of conspiratorial, hooded, and downright evil individuals succeeded in their quest to ensure the Philadelphia 76ers surpassed the Milwaukee Bucks to face the Los Angeles Lakers in the NBA Finals.

     Though many Bucks team members and head coach George Karl tried to warn the general public about how horribly they were being set up to take a fall, Karl's strategy of defeating the conspirators with incessant whining from him and his team just made the lot of them look like a bunch of sissy little girls.

     The most damning evidence, recovered exclusively by a guy stealing used jockstraps from the First Union Center's Visitor's Locker Room, and frequent TwistedFans™ contributor, showed that the fall which caused Ray Allen's 3rd Quarter knee injury was triggered by a drugged dart (found near a dart gun equipped with laser scope and labeled "Property of David Stern"). The dart seems to have been shot from the 76ers' Executive Box, and was covered with Sixers' president Pat Croce's distinctive fingerprints. Allen returned to the game shortly thereafter slightly shaken up and too rattled to play as well as he could.

     "I tried to warn people," Karl said after the game, "And I thought by complaining like a wussy, I'd get the attention I needed to foil those bastards behind the scenes, but, no, you can't stop those people." When asked for more names, Karl, indicating his life would be in danger if he said more, declined.

     How far reaching this conspiracy was is hard to say, but a few sharp individuals noted that Lakers' coach Phil Jackson had a message for Sixers' rookie Raja "Ring My Liberty" Bell, Jackson commented "See you in Los Angeles," shortly after his halftime interview with Marv Albert and well before the conclusion of the Eastern Conference Finals' 7th and deciding game. One must also consider the ill will Jackson harbors towards Sixers' coach Larry Brown, who refused to hire Jackson as an assistant coach to the New Jersey Nets roughly twenty years ago.

     At least one man, wearing an aluminum foil hat, speculated that the whole conspiracy may just be a massive attempt at embarrassing Larry Brown and his team on a national stage by using the Lakers, and newly acquired Shaq-bot 9000, to sweep the Sixers in four incredibly lopsided games, in front of a national television audience.

Staff Writer Razor Witt -- nuf said.

Evil NBA Conspiracy Succeeds: 76ers In Finals
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