May 22, 2001

Classic Rants

Issue 1

Funny Tagline
Published Weekly

An Open Letter to President Clinton Concerning Reggie Miller


Dear Mr. President,

I write to you today as one citizen concerned with our nation's youth to another.

Watching the recent NBA finals, I could not escape a creeping sense of dread that overcame me as I slowly realized something that I've unconsciously suspected for years. Surely thousands of American kids watch the NBA playoffs each year. And each year, sure as can be, these children are exposed to the candy-ass wuss-ball that is Reggie Miller's game.

What kind of example is this setting for America's youth? Can we seriously expect the kids of today to compete in the 2012 Olympics with a role model like that? Moaning and complaining after every non-call,
pretending to suffer traumatic injuries after every contact, taunting opponents' fans, and in all probability following up this egregious display with extended homosexual interludes after each and every home game!

In short, Mr. President, it is my heartfelt sentiment that Reggie Miller plays like a little bitch and must be stopped for the good of the nation.

God Bless America.

C. Maroussi covers late 1930s Greece for the Indiana Free Press when he's not stalking Reggie Miller.

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