NFL Teams Plan to Draft Based on Results of  ‘Temptation Combine'



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Issue #45

     Convinced that the majority of college players taking part in NFL scouting combines are all great athletes with similar talent, several teams conducted a special combine testing mental strength. The battery of tests, affectionately called "Temptation Combine" by insiders, includes the following activities:

1. Booty Watch:

Description: Receivers and corner backs have footballs chucked at them as well endowed women call out their names and shake their stuff.

Scout's analysis: Tests agility and the player's ability to concentrate on the game. If he catches 29 out of 30 balls, he probably won't let loose women distract him.

2. Family Guy:

Description: Players are given infants to carry for an entire day. Those who drop their assigned children or who cause them to suffer scrapes, burns or diaper rash are disqualified from the combine.

Scout's analysis: This test weeds out the recklessly dangerous fathers from those who are merely deadbeat dads.

3. Shut Yo' Crack Ho'?

Description: A player is armed with a  maple wood baseball bat and stuck in a room handcuffed to a crack whore who cannot stop her mouth from running. She will speak her mind, tell the player his breath stinks, question the size of his manhood, and, in the words of sports psychologist Zaun Jones ‘talk bad ‘bout yo mama.'

Scout's analysis: Utilizing this test ten years ago would have saved teams a lot of bail money. The strong but emotionally sound athlete will shrug off the crack whore's taunts, while the one with a tendency toward violent crime will not.

4. Loose Change

Description: Players are led through a locker room filled with conspicuously placed one-dollar and five-dollar bills, for the purpose of seeing who can't keep his hands off the belongings of others.

Scout's analysis: If the guy hasn't gotten enough money from boosters during college and still has to steal, he's not NFL material.

5. Chaplain Twister:

Description: Catholic priests are encouraged to play Twister with the young collegians. Experts watching the preachers' hand and leg placement determine which chaplains are more prone to being accused of sex abuse charges.

Scout's analysis: We've been hoping for a test like this for a long time.

by Luscious Rosenbaum

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