Recommend this Site Contact Us Free Stuff

Tues, Oct 9, 2001

Mock 2002 NFL Draft: 
Butch Predicts the First 10 Picks

by Butch Rogaine

     This week, TF reveals its mock version of next year’s NFL draft. Based on our research, NFL teams will likely follow the lead of the Carolina Panthers and seek "more experienced" players. We have tracked down the names of ten seniors (in retirement communities, not colleges) who are likely to take the field in the near future.

1. Col. Cletus Marshall                 Pos. QB            Evergreen Terr. Old Age Home

Analysis: He hasn’t led a team to glory since Korea, but I’m betting that Chicago will take him in a flash. Age 73. (U.S. Army retired)

2. Ed “Speedy” Goras                   Pos. QB            YMCA

Analysis: Will benefit from new NFL rule allowing “over 50" QB’s to ride motorized scooter while in the pocket. Age 56.

3. Moishe Herskovits                     Pos. QB            Moishe’s Bakery

Analysis: Triple-jointed shoulder allows him to mesmerize opposing defenses with strange and deceptive underhand passes. Age 62.

4. Klaus Benson                            Pos. QB            Boca Raton Retirement Community

Analysis: He may be 80, but there are parts of him that belonged to cadavers half his age. Age 81.

5. Bob Wojoleriak                         Pos. QB            Senko Nursing/Funeral Home

Analysis: We think that this year he may be on the brink of a big season ... or a heart attack. Either way, it should be a fun year for whoever picks him. Age 72.

Photo Gallery

Above: (r-l) Benson, Herskovitz, Montana and Reynolds at training camp in Boca.

Burt Reynolds
Pos. WR          Boogie Apartments

Analysis: Hands so good, it’s like this receiver’s got hair piece glue on them. Age 65.

7. Tony Montana      
Pos. QB          Tony’s Real Estate

Analysis: Unemployed real estate agent’s dislocated ankles may give him enough moves to avoid getting face slammed into the turf.   Age 62.

8. Les Schwartz                               Pos. RT            Library of Congress

Analysis: Big rear end and inflamed prostate make him ideal blocker. Age 57.

9. Rev. Ewert James, S.J.                 Pos. TE            Ewert’s Soup Kitchen

Analysis: This retired exorcist has excellent hands and superior blocking ability. Age 72.  

10. Don Mazola                                Pos. FB            Little Rock (Ark.) Trailer Park

Analysis: Samoan ex-wrestler (formerly known as “Thunderchief Don Mazola), his jiggling man-breasts, visible even through his padding and jersey, will mesmerize defenses. Age 64.

Butch Rogaine is AARP's #3 Super Agent.

Email this story to a friend

Most Read Stories

Issue #18


Cal Ripken Tribute: 1982-2001

Mets Ink Benitez to 5-Year Deal, Under Certain Conditions

Valentine Replaces Benitez, Names Mascot as Closer for 2002 Season

Steelers Reach Out to Attract Amish Fan Base

That Goddamned Visa Check Card Commercial Again

NBA Athletes Donate their "Dates" to Relief Workers


Home | Subscribe | Links | Feedback | Privacy Policy
Copyright © 2001 TwistedFans, LLC, ARRAWR.