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Tues, Oct 9, 2001

NBA Athletes Donate their "Dates" to Relief Workers

by Matt Schroeder

NEW YORK – In a display of sacrifice and patriotism unprecedented in professional sports, a group of prominent National Basketball Association players announced Thursday that they would be donating all their pussy from the first week of the regular season to the relief efforts here and in Washington.

     “I was just chillin’ at home, watching all this shit go down on the big screen, and I thought, those dudes working to save everybody need something,” said Boston Celtics forward Antoine Walker, who appeared at a press conference announcing the donation. “I must’ve thought about it for, like, an hour, and then I hit on it. I called up this filthy little ho named Tina I always hook up with in Cleveland and asked if she was down for it. When she said yes, I got all inspired and started calling other guys.”

     Other players appearing at the press conference who are participating in the effort include Houston’s Steve Francis, Phoenix’s Penny Hardaway and the Dallas Mavericks’ Michael Finley and Dirk Nowitzki. They are among the 26 players who will donate their booty action, in home and away cities, to men involved with the rescue and recovery efforts following the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks on America.

     “We realized we could donate money, but lots of people are already doing that,” Hardaway said. “There are already a lot of charity events, and it wasn’t practical for many of us to be physically involved in the relief efforts. But the people who are right there at Ground Zero are doing a job that’s got to be sad and depressing. Nothing can lift a man’s spirits more than laying some pipe on a stacked topless dancer, and so we feel like providing that is our special niche.”

     Representing relief workers everywhere at the press conference was Art Lockhart, a construction worker and volunteer firefighter from Bernardsville, N.J.

     “This is an incredibly generous and thoughtful gesture by the NBA,” said Lockhart,  an overweight, balding and divorced father of two. “I’ve got a stiffy working just standing here talking about it.” 

     WNBA President Val Ackerman, whose league is in partnership with the NBA, said her league would join in the NBA players’ effort “when hell freezes over."

Matt Schroeder has donated his time to organizing the "Date Donations" between the NBA Players and the relief workers.

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