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TwistedFans Archive

 Jan 15, 2002

Jan 8, 2002 

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 Volume 1, Issue 33  January 22, 2002  


Brett Favre Admits: 6 INTs Were Gifts to His Fav DB's
NFL Warns Bucs:  Don't Suck Again
Australian Open:  Who Cares?
Enron Blames Former Astro Everett for Downfall
Dodgers Scouting Taliban at Guantanimo
Dennis Green's "Fishin' For Moonshine" Show Cancelled
Boris Becker to
Host New Wacky
German Game
Show, "Die
Attention Hungry Deion Applies to be Tiger's Caddie

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Butch Rogaine
K-Cebo Satashi
Willy P. Ondabich


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Razor Witt
Luscious Rosenbaum

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NFL QBs Agree:
No More Tucking

Reuters Photo

Following the controversial call in the Raiders-Patriots playoff game Saturday night, NFL quarterbacks have agreed unanimously to never tuck the ball again. >> See Full Story

Spurrier Out, "Emeril" In
Spurrier Fired Following "Dang Redskins" Comment; T.V. Super-Chef Emeril Hired as Replacement

WASHINGTON, DC -  Steve Spurrier's tenure as Washington Redskins' head coach ended Thursday after referring to the organization as "dang Redskins" during his welcome speech.
    "It is a great honor to be hired as head coach of this great and storied franchise. My heart goes out to all of you fans and the city of Washington.  From the very bottom of my heart:  I love these dang Redskins."
    "That's it!  He's gone," said an irate owner Daniel Snyder.  "Nobody takes these Redskins' name in vain. Get his cornflake, college-boy, Gator-loving ass out of here."
     Spurrier's tenure lasted only eight days, the second longest in Redskins history under Snyder.  He will, however, be paid the remaining $24.72 million left on his 5-year, $25 million contract.  The embattled coach says he plans to spend the next six months drinking heavily with recently displaced head coach Marty Schottenheimer in Tijuana, Mexico.
    So, who's next?  Sources close to the organization report that waiting in the wings is a beloved personal favorite of Snyder's, someone he has long coveted working with:  T.V.'s Super-Chef Emeril Lagasse.
    "Emeril is SOOO cool...he is so funny," reported an enthralled Snyder. "His chutzpah is perfect for this organization, and I think he'll do really well." Added Snyder: "I really love that guy."
    Mr. Lagasse could not be reached for comment, however, sources close to the team say Snyder hired him without an interview, and with no football experience whatsoever. He will, much to the chagrin of other NFL head coaches, be paid more than any other head coach in NFL history; notching a 7-year, $37 million contract.

Onion rings or Super Bowl rings?  He's got no choice, now.

    Emeril, the star of Food Network's "Emeril Live!" and the now-defunct NBC sitcom "Emeril", may not be able to translate his cooking skills onto the playing field, but as Snyder says, this remains to be seen. But don't tell Snyder that Emeril can't get the job done, because as everyone knows, the owner's confidence in personnel has been a complete "recipe for success" in recent years.
    "Emeril will, you know, mix a little offense here - BAM!, a little defense there - BAM!" screamed Snyder while making wild cooking hand gestures and happily feigning the chef-cum-coach's Brooklyn accent. "He'll do a good-a job-a... Capiche?"

Top Stories

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TwistedFans II:
Daily Sports Updates

Editorial: Knicks Lose by 43; Spike Crosses River to Watch Nets; Is the K-Cebo Jinx for Real?


FunPics: Pick your favorite news story of the past week:

  1. Cuban at DQ

  2. W & a Pretzel

  3. Anna plays with Giraffes


Wackiest NFL Injuries 2001-2002

  • Jay Fiedler's Ball-Ascension
  • Bill Gramatica's Estupido-Leg
  • Tony Siragusa's Bulimia
  • Kurt Warner's Throat-Demons
  • John Randle's Eye-Paint Eye

Twisted Quotes

They talked about how they had their 'swagger' back...well they can swagger themselves back to Baltimore. ~ Pittsburgh Steelers' Lee Flowers

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