Selig on the Lam from Players Union



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From the video footage some have speculated that Selig may be hiding out in David Stern's impenetrable NBA League Offices in NYC.
   "You cannot stop me... There will be contraction in baseball, and only I know where!" howled MLB Commissioner Bud Selig, on a video tape recording released to the press late Monday night. 

   The former Milwaukee Brewers Owner is on the run from officials of the Players Union, and his whereabouts are unknown

   "We will find him," remarked Donald Fehr, President of the Union. "The evil one must be brought to justice."

   Assisting the Union is a team of private investigators, some of whom are former FBI agents. One such operative who chooses to be known only as 'Arnie' sketched a psychological profile of Selig. 

   "He is very cocky. If you saw him on that tape... he's got a big clipboard resting at his leg and several balding accountants standing behind him. Selig is trying to exude confidence when in reality he is a frail and frightened man. Such are all evil ones."

   Selig is believed to be hiding in Milwaukee, making him a needle in a haystack. " He can be anywhere noted one source. "There are still no accurate maps of Milwaukee. For all we know, there is some family hiding him in their basement or a brewery keeping him under wraps."

   Fehr remains confident that Selig will be found. "It may take a while, but we'll get him. We are employing Jehovah's Witnesses, Mormons, Veteran Police Dogs, Vacuum Cleaner Salespersons... oh and Agent Scott Boras."

   The search efforts are the most drastic efforts yet for the Players Union, whose mission is to keep extremely rich players in empty ballparks. By capturing Selig they hope to decapitate contraction efforts and involve team owners in possible court action aimed at keeping penniless franchises in operation.

   However, it is highly likely that the entire situation will be resolved via arbitration or both sides coming to terms with a new CBA that settles the matter. Owners such as the Orioles' Peter Angelos are nevertheless uncooperative at this moment. "Why are you looking for Bud? He's probably dead. I heard he has a deviated septum... you know how those things go: first you get a sinus infection, then you die. They are wasting their time."

   Despite the owners' stubbornness, Fehr remains adamant about his goal. "We will look everywhere for Mr. Selig. And we'd like to issue a warning to any state or nation that may be hiding him: If we find out you assisted in any way, we'll make sure there's a new expansion franchise in your town. Yes Canada, we're talking to you!!"

Butch Rogaine has been nominated for a 2002 Fozzie™ for Excellence in Investigative Journalism for breaking the story on the Sale of the Bosox

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