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Homeless Boston Man Claims to Be Panhandling "To Buy the ‘Sox"


Tues, Dec 4, 2001


Issue #26


BOSTON, MA Some people call Rufus Raymond a homeless psycho bum, but no one denies that he is a man with a dream. Rufus is a panhandler who frequents the pavement on the strip of clubs outside of Fenway Park with the hope of someday buying his favorite team. "I'm saving to buy the Red Sox. It's going to happen, I know it in my heart."

    Wearing a pair of red nylon socks he stole during an early 1990's mugging of late talk show host Morton Downey, Raymond is a fanatic. He says he's the bastard great great grandson of Babe Ruth, and is hoping that his panhandling, and the proceeds of some pending lawsuits, will get him his team of lovable losers.

    Joining Raymond in this mission is his attorney, Joey Jacobs. "I was first in my class at Samuel Adams Community Law School," boasts Jacobs' business card. The attorney has a slew of law suits brought on Raymond's behalf in federal court. Many call them frivolous, but they all deal with Raymond's place as an heir to Babe Ruth.

   "We are suing the people who make Baby Ruth candy bars," noted Jacobs. "My client is the great great bastard grandson of Mr. Ruth, and should receive some kind of remuneration for the sale of this candy." The Baby Ruth experience has been a painful ordeal for Raymond. "Sometimes I get half eaten candy bars thrown at me, and they have the name of my great great grand daddy on them. It's a slap in the face," says Raymond. "Those candy bar guys are gonna pay!"

   In addition, Raymond and his counsel plan to reap the rewards of Ruth memorabilia, a piece of any cash generated by Babe Ruth Youth Leagues, and a piece of the proceeds for the films Babe and Babe II. "We all know that the film would not sell if the pig was named Lou," explains Jacobs. "They were making money off of the reputation of Babe Ruth as a pig. That is an image and reputation that is a trademark of my client's heritage and family lines. We must be compensated."

   If his lawsuits garner sufficient cash, Rufus Raymond hopes to form a group to bid on the Boston Red Sox. "I'm real close with David Wells, and a lot of other rich Ruth enthusiasts. Hopefully we can get something done."

   Some Red Sox players were happy to learn of their potential new buyer:

   "Ahhhhhhhhh!!!" Screamed outfielder Carl Everett, flailing his arms about and huffing with happy rage.

   "As long as they are ok with me playing 70 games a season, I'm good," said shortstop Nomar Garciaparra.

   "Give Pedro more money," were the only sentiments of starting pitcher Pedro Martinez.

   Will money change Raymond if he is able to fulfill his dream and buy the Red Sox? "Hell no, I'm gonna keep it real and not forget where I came from. There's gonna be panhandlers on ever level of the Fenway, and most of my homeless friends will be selling you your hot dogs and cotton candy. It's gonna be classy and in the Red Sox tradition." 

Butch Rogaine strongly recommends that the Bosox be contracted.

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