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Congress to Announce "Anna's Law"


Tues, Dec 4, 2001


Issue #26


WASHINGTON, DC "Hooeee!" exclaimed Senator Strom Thurmond, while announcing the introduction of a new bill known as "Anna's Law." The proposed law, an exception to the general anti-cloning sentiment in government, would allow for laboratories to create clones of Anna Kournikova.

Above: Anna Kaniwinafukntournyva

   "We need to grow them suckers quick. I wanna get my Anna clone as soon as possible. I'm guessing it should be ripe in about sixteen years," explained Thurmond. "I hope I can wait that long."

   Anna's Law marks a new kind of marketing and a rare exception to the U.S. policy on creating new life. "These clones are not going to be experimented on or destroyed in any way," explained Kournikova's publicist John Rasputin. As a result, experts predict that there should be few objections from religious groups opposed to artificial life created for the purpose of experimenting.  

   Kournikova has obtained a patent and trademark over her DNA and is licensing its use to a select few American and European cloning laboratories. Clones will be sold at a price of $10,000, or about $9,990 more than your average Russian mail order bride. For an extra fee of $5,000, lesbian buyers can ask for a "gay gene" to be inserted into their Kournikova clone. "I'm buying 10," said former superstar Martina Navratilova.

   Although the tennis queen is expected to get a windfall, it is uncertain whether she will be able to maintain her star status once she hits her late 30's and her clones are approximately 18 years old. In fact, some fear that all Kournikova clones will have a self destruct mechanism implanted into them and capable of activation by Anna herself. "We can't confirm it, but it's a risk buyers will have to take," said Rasputin.

      The idea of having Anna clones made may have already reached a snag as Chinese counterfeiters have allegedly obtained a strand of Kournikova's hair, which they hope to use to make their own imitations. "What we're looking at here is the potential for several thousands of Annas of inferior quality being passed off as a clone of Kournikova herself," said Attorney General John Ashcroft. "Don't trust anyone who tries to sell you a cheap Kournikova clone."

      How can one tell if a clone is not a legitimate Kournikova clone? Licensed cloning clinics grant breast sagging warranties for the first 25 years of their clones' lives. Further, each clone has Anna's signature tatooed on its foot by one of the tennis player's assistants. Most counterfeit clones may be clones of clones, so if your Anna looks like a blurred image of a person, it's probably not an authorized clone. The main question in all of this hub bub is "Do you care that it's not an authentic clone?" We thought not!

Luscious Rosenbaum takes 1/3 as Anna's Authorized Cloning Agent.

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