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Levar Leroux, Inventor of Hockey Ass Maneuver, Dead at 98


Tues, Dec 4, 2001


Issue #26


QUEBEC, CANADA  Hockey innovator, Levar Leroux died of heart failure today, in his native Quebec. Well respected but long forgotten, Leroux was a member of the Montreal Lumber Jacks, a pre-NHL franchise, in the early 1900's. Leroux began his life in hockey as a player, but soon saw his playing career cut short by an assortment of hemorrhoids, anal warts, and badly chafed thigh ailments that resulted from his famous rough and tumble style of play. However, ‘Levy,' as his friends called him, quickly blossomed in the role of coach for the Lumber Jacks, teaching players ass blocking techniques that he could himself no longer perform, including a maneuver that involved slamming ass-on onto an opponent.

   "Levy opened a whole new world for me in the hockey business," said protege Louie Lagree. "Before, I would use all the old techniques of the game: hip checks, stick slashing, all sorts of stuff. But then Levar taught me to use my ass to its fullest potential. I never realized that I could use all that territory back there for hammering my opponents."

   Leroux also proved an excellent general manager, selecting only those players with the largest asses for defense. "I am not bitter about the fact that Levy refused to sign me for the Jacks," admits Francois Troyes. "My ass was simply too small. At first, yeah, I was mad, But then I began to bulk my ass up and soon heard many teams banging on my door. Me and my ass are better off for Levy's rejection of us."

   The Lumber Jacks excelled in Canadian League play, before the NHL started up and Jacks' owner, Herve Mitterand, sold the team in order to pursue his dream of being a Royal Canadian Mountie. Leroux gave up the hockey business to become a songsmith for such still unknown stars as Joshua Chirac and Fracine Dion, mother of Celine Dion. Unfortunately, the public refused to accept such tunes as "Cold, Cold Ass" and "My Baby Rear Ended My Heart." Unable to accept his first failure in life, Leroux began living a hermit's life, sequestered in a small cabin. There, he made numerous handwritten copies of the St. James version of the Bible, and attempted to preach Christianity to the local wildlife. "You must all be Hindu," he was once heard muttering at a flock of animals that had run away from one of his fervent speeches.
   Leroux died in his sleep, after a drunken binge during which he slammed his backside repeatedly into a stranger's opened refrigerator. Despite this strange death, he was paid the greatest tribute that could be expected of such a pivotal figure in the game. A gaggle of former teammates and players stood alongside his coffin at "Die Foreigners Cemetery" in a Quebec suburb. They simultaneously ass checked their coach's coffin into its grave and slapped sticks to celebrate the plunge into dark eternity by a man who had changed so many asses. Although the general public may visit Leroux's remains in the cemetery, his ass is buried at an undisclosed area known only to his family and a deranged mortician.

   The Leroux family asks that, in lieu of flowers, mourners donate tubes of Preparation-H to the Home for Asses in Traction in downtown Montreal.

Butch Rogaine is TwistedFans resident assologist.

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