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Tues, Oct 16, 2001

Aikman Suffers Sack Flashback,
Goes Berserk in Fox TV Booth

by Butch Rogaine

NASHVILLE – Former Dallas Cowboys quarterback Troy Aikman suffered what appeared to be a flashback to one of the many concussion-causing sacks he sustained during his NFL career. Screaming “they’re out to get my ass!” at producer Joel Slutzky in Fox’ television booth at Adelphia Coliseum, Aikman stopped his analysis of the Bucs-Titans game and began scampering around.

     Initially, those around him thought Aikman was joking and merely mimicking the possible thoughts of Titans QB Steve McNair, who had just been pummeled by Warren Sapp on the field. However, his behavior became increasingly bizarre, especially after the rookie analyst started pointing and screaming instructions at telecast partner and former teammate Daryl “Moose” Johnston.

     “Troy told me I should stand up really quickly. I thought maybe there was something spilled in front of my chair,” said Johnston. “But then he tried to push me to the doorway.” When Johnston refused to comply, the quarterback took drastic measures. “He grabbed me by the face and pulled me near him, talking some gibberish about how he was gonna try a sneak. It was as though we were in the huddle just before a snap or something.”

     Johnston, just recovering from knee surgery to repair an old injury, had no choice but to lumber forward in response to Aikman’s pushing. As the two left Adelphia’s press level and worked their way down a ramp out of the Coliseum, the former fullback tripped, then fell forward and flat on his face. Aikman, running with a clipboard tucked under his arm like a football, jumped over Johnston and began stiff-arming fans who were arriving at the game a bit late.

     According to bystanders, Aikman continued his run until he reached a nearby Mercedes dealership. After looking to his right and left -- like a wounded deer trying to cross a highway without becoming roadkill -- he finally rushed towards a giant plaque bearing the Mercedes logo, where he spiked the clipboard.

Above: Troy huddles with Mercedes Salesman Barry Chet.

     “Maybe in some twisted way the logo looked like goal posts to him,” explained dealership owner Barry Chet, who witnessed the incident. “After he scored his imaginary touchdown, Troy started pointing two fingers up in the air. He wanted to go for the conversion. I figured ‘what the hell?’ and humored him.”

      Chet picked the clipboard up and snapped it to Aikman, who completed a perfect pass to a giant billboard depicting a baker holding a doughnut. “He looked very satisfied with himself,” continued Chet. “Both his arms were raised and he seemed to be thanking Jesus.”

       Aikman then suddenly seemed to snap out of his concussed trance. After looking around and seeing the Mercedes logo, he began delivering a commercial pitch to an imaginary camera: “The ‘S’ in Mercedes S-Class stands for ‘score.’”


Butch Rogaine seeks to fulfill a lifelong dream this week as he travels the country with John Madden.

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