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Tues, Oct 16, 2001

Twisted Fans Annual Baseball Awards

by Luscious Rosenbaum

Executive of the Year: Red Sox G.M. Dan Duquette deserves major kudos for firing manager Jimy Williams. Following in the tradition of the Boston players, managers, and execs who came before him, he made sure that the Red Sox stayed out of serious World Series Championship contention.

Senior Citizen of the Year: You didn’t think we’d consider the Seattle Mariners’ Ichiro Suzuki a rookie, did you? Not even the Mariners thought of him as a rookie – they paid around $10 million just to get to negotiate with the guy. Face it: he’s a thirty year old dude who has been playing pro-ball for 10 years. Hey, we love him just like you do, but a rookie he is not.

A.L. Rookie of the Year: OK, so the Cleveland Indians’ C.C. Sabathia had an ERA over 4.00. The guy is 20 years old and managed to keep his high powered team in all of the 17 games he won. He’s no Doc Gooden-like phenom, but this guy has the mental composure and body make-up to withstand injury and hang around a while longer than the enigmatic Doctor K.

N.L. Rookie of the Year: Albert Pujols, St. Louis Cardinals. Yeah, we were thinking of some of those young pitchers who threw no hitters this year and had good year. But Pujols simply kicks ass.

A.L. Cy Young: Roger Clemens, N.Y. Yankees. If it was up to me, we’d pick one of Oakland’s pitchers. Fact is, Clemens is a 40 year old man with an ERA under 4.00!! No one has proven to be better than him in the regular season, and he helped carry the Yankees this year.

N.L. Cy Young: Co-winners: Randy Johnson and Curt Schilling, Arizona D-Backs. The Big Eunuch has no balls in the post season, but the regular season ERA and all those K’s can’t be ignored. Schilling has probably had his best season ever.

A.L. Most Vocal Crybaby Making over $20 million: Alex Rodriguez, Texas Rangers. How long is this guy gonna keep moaning about having wanted to sign for the Mets?

N.L. Most Valuable Hitter Making over $20 million: Mike Hampton, Colorado Rockies. He sure as hell isn’t gonna win a Cy Young, so we thought we’d just create this category for him.

A.L. Manager of the Year: Jimy Williams, Boston Red Sox. Hey, last time he was at the helm, the Sox were in contention. Now, they’re in traction.

N.L. Manager of the Year: Bobby Valentine, N.Y. Mets manager. Given absolutely no hitting, save Mike Piazza, he kept his team in contention and gave New Yorkers someone to pull for after the WTC tragedy. But make no mistake – Bobby is no idiot. If he led his team to the playoffs, ownership wouldn’t have spent a single dime this off season. Instead, he shrewdly put Zantac spokesman Armando Benitez in every big game that needed to be blown, and the Mets will hopefully be reshaped.

Luscious Rosenbaum has been awarded the 2001 National Lampoon's Sportscaster of the Year Award.

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