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"It's like The Onion...but with balls!" Kenneth Goldstein, The Illuminated Donkey


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 Jan 8, 2002

Jan 1, 2002 

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 Volume 1, Issue 32  January 15, 2002  


Mavs' Dirk Nowitzki mistakes Steve Nash for cheerleader, takes him out on awkward date
Schottenheimer finds new job at dot-com only to be fired again
Local Man watches more than just final five minutes of an NBA game, gouges out eyes

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Vinny & the Raiderettes

"I'm going to the next round one way or the other," said New York Jets QB Vinnie Testaverde, who joined the Oakland Raiders Cheerleading Squad after last week's loss.

Friendless Rowing Squad Prefers That You Refer to Them As "The Crew"
HANOVER, NH -  Dartmouth College's rowing team released a statement today that from now on they would like to be recognized by their peers as "the Crew."
     "This new moniker will finally give us the air of 'coolness' and friendship-having that we have so desperately needed," said freshman team captain Chad Waltham III, also a complete rich, no-friend-having asshole. 
     Waltham said that the Crew members also plan on adopting various cool pseudonyms, such as "Tha $ilver $poon," "Promdate," and "Lil' Charles Bukowski."

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"Ed Rush might have been a great ref, but I wouldn't hire him to manage a Dairy Queen." ~ Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban

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