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Charmed Life


Tues, Dec 4, 2001


Issue #26


CHICAGO, IL Charmed Chicago Bears coach Dick Jauron discovered late Sunday afternoon that he held the only ticket to match all the winning numbers in Saturday's Powerball drawing, winning a prize estimated at $17.2 million."Hey, today must be my lucky day," said Jauron.The coach said the first thing that he would spend his money on would be a gratuitous sexual romp with 20-year-old tennis vixen Anna Kournikova. Jauron and Kournikova met at a charity function in early November, and Kournikova offered to "wear him out anytime, anywhere."

   Kournikova confirmed the offer when reached by a reporter on Sunday."I really wasn't sure what I was going to do with that opportunity, but I think now I'll buy out the entire top floor of a Gold Coast condo building, remodel some units into one giant hot tub and fill it with flavored massage oil," Jauron said. "I'll find one of those bands that composes background music for porn films and hire them to play live, then have one of Chicago's top gourmet chefs fix me a Viagra-and-oyster casserole."

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   Jauron - speaking after the 9-2 Bears eked out another narrow win, 13-10 over Detroit - said his wife had already okayed the episode."Gail's very progressive, which makes me a very lucky man," Jauron said. "Besides, she's been so busy tracing our family's ancestry - which has turned out to be a remarkable lineage, by the way - that she's been distracted."

   Gail Jauron said that the Jauron name has been traced back to Bulgarian royalty, while she just discovered through long-lost adoption papers that her great-grandfather was actually inventor Thomas Edison."It's been such marvelous news," Gail Jauron said. "I've been busy talking with some lawyers about what that relationship will mean to my family, and it has me so excited I guess I can let Dick go off and do whatever he's going to do with Miss Kournikova. "I'll just fix him his favorite meal - cheesy meat loaf, mashed potatoes with gravy and corn on the cob - for when he gets home."

Matt Schroeder's frustration with Chicago will get worse after they beat Green Bay in OT next weekend.

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