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Tues, Sep 18, 2001

NFL Films and AOL-Time Warner Launch Urinal Cable Channel

by Butch Rogaine

     In response to the raves it received for its weekly coverage of the Baltimore Ravens preseason camp as seen on HBO, NFL Films has joined with AOL/Time Warner to launch the Urinal Channel. With live cameras focused on urinals in various stadiums and practice facilities, the channel promises to bring fans a closer look at players they’re only accustomed to seeing on the field.

     “We believe this is the kind of cutting edge programming that can only be experienced on cable. The language is edgy and the subject matter of conversations is for mature adults,” said  AOL/TW spokesman Jock Strap. “The cameras will not attempt to capture frontal nudity, but instead seek to show how the restrooms and urinals are vital to communication among players and coaches. They are conduits of understanding,” said Strap.

     The channel operates 24 hours a day, seven days a week during the NFL regular season and post season. On a good night, fans will be able to witness witness Tony Siragusa relieving himself while talking to his kids on his cell phone and eating a glazed doughnut and maybe a urinal cake. On a bad one, they can expect to see towel boys taking a leak or attention-hungry Brian Billick standing for hours on end at a urinal, spouting self-promoting rhetoric.

     Strap and the U-Channel already have several gimmicks prepared for the November sweeps period. During that month, the cameras will be focused almost solely at the urinals of division leaders and those teams in the basement. “We want it to be a study in social environments, a comparison and contrast of how success and failure affects how humans socialize,” explained Strap. In addition, while stalls will never be part of the program, November will see the beginning of the stall microphone. “Who knows what magical moments we’ll capture!” exclaimed the gleeful spokesman.

Butch Rogaine has also installed a permanent webcam in his own bathroom; find it on the web at www.TakeaDump.com.

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