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Tues, Sep 18, 2001

Olden Polynice Announces That He Will Not Play On Halloween

by Luscious Rosenbaum
    Olden Polynice joined Shawn Green and the ranks of religiously observant athletes today, when he announced that he will not sign with any team that requires him to play or practice on Halloween weekend.  Polynice, who has been frequently charged with masquerading as a law enforcement official, explains that his life as a member of the Church of Scientology is based upon being able to dress up as other people he may have been in past lives.

    “In my past life I was a cop, I’m sure of it,” said Polynice. “When someone cuts me off while I’m in my car, I feel rage. Then I follow them, pretend my cell phone is a police radio and scream all kinds of numbers into it. Finally, I stalk them to their doorsteps and just give in to violent tendencies I can’t explain. It’s an uncontrollable urge most of the time really.”

    According to the center, the time around Halloween is a sacred day for Scientologists, when he can “do whatever I please and be whoever I want to be.” When asked to confirm its belief system, the Church of Scientology immediately filed suit against TwistedFans and promised to ‘send bad thoughts’ at its staff. However, the fact that Scientology followers are mostly wealthy actors lends credence to the possibility that the group is all about seeking fantasy and pretending.

Luscious Rosenbaum that's him in the corner, that's him in the spotlight....

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