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Tues, Sep 18, 2001

Pedro Set to Go Under Knife 
After Arm Falls Off

by Butch Rogaine
     Red Sox pitcher Pedro Martinez, who had to leave his start against the Yankees after just four innings last Friday, had his right arm fall off his shoulder today. At first, Boston G.M. Dan Duquette tried to downplay the seriousness of the injury, which occurred while Martinez was opening the door to exit his SUV at the Stadium. “It’s just some frayed ligaments, we’ll just shut him down until we become competitive again,” insisted the Sox’ exec.

     Duquettes’s story changed, however, when several members of the press witnessed Martinez walking through the Yankee Stadium visitor’s locker room with a valet helping him hold up his limp right arm. “We’re going to do the best we can to make Pedro well again,” promised the general manager. “Not only is he going to have Tommy John surgery performed by superstar surgeon Frank Jobe, he’s going to get Tommy John’s ligaments.”

     Reconstructive surgery will be put off for at least two months, while Martinez’ arm recovers from first degree burns it suffered. “When the arm fell off, suddenly it spontaneously combusted,” explains Dr. Jobe. “That kind of stuff happens all the time. We just need to wait for the epidermal tissue to heal. Pedro’s just lucky the arm didn’t suffer severe burns.” The Sox can thank a New Yorker for that.  

     According to eyewitnesses, a homeless man near the Yankee Stadium players’ parking lot kept unsuccessfully asking the ace for an autograph. He was there when Martinez exited the SUV and suffered his injury. Fortunately for Pedro, the man, who identified himself as ‘Diddy,’ began urinating on Martinez’ arm before it even set itself ablaze. Several desperate Boston fans took the “lucky” urination as a sign that the curse of the Bambino is finally over.

Butch Rogaine recently had the ligament in his third arm repaired.

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