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Tues, Sep 18, 2001

Expos Release 15 Players From Roster, Citing Rampant Alcoholism

by Butch Rogaine
     In what many believe is merely a ruse to trim payroll, the Montreal Expos have released fifteen players from their roster, citing breach of contract for excess alcohol consumption. The move comes shortly after the team announced the departure of much hyped Japanese pitching failure Hideki Irabu.

Hideki Irabu scratches his head and wonders what could've been.

     “They’re all alcoholics,” said Expos G.M. Jim Beattie, in response to questions about the move. “Vlad Guerrerro, Javier Vazquez, Tony Armas ... all of them.”

      One released player, however, begged to differ. “They don’t want to pay us next year or any time in the near future,” explained star outfielder Vladimir Guerrerro. “I was sitting with my wife and kids having dinner at the team’s hotel, when Beattie came with some goons. He had them smack me around the head and then took me to the hospital saying that I was drunk. They made me get my stomach pumped for nothing!!”

     Most baseball experts believe it’s all part of a scheme to drop the team to rock bottom and then get Major League Baseball to buy the team from its owner and disband it. Beattie’s accusations didn’t stop with players. “Look at me, I hired Jeff Torborg to be our manager. He lost with the most expensive (Mets) team to ever finish last. I must be drunk. They should fire me.” 

     What a loyal soldier.

Butch Rogaine has been called up by the Expos Triple X Affiliate in Saskatchewan, Canada.

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