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Tues, Sep 18, 2001

New Defense Helps Niners 
Shut Down Falcons

by Razor Witt
    San Francisco 49'ers head coach Steve Mariucci has plenty to smile about this week, after his team's phenomenal 56-0 win over the Atlanta Falcons in Week One of the NFL season. Mariucci, NFL analysts, and TwistedFans all attribute this spectacular victory due to one last minute change: the Niners’ sudden hiring of Gene Simmons of KISS as defensive coordinator, and his recruitment of the legendary KISS Army to play the defense.

Above: 3COM Park, and San Francisco's new front four.

     While Mariucci's last minute change was scorned by many, and downright laughed at by anyone who knew how to read, the KISS Army emerged triumphant over the Falcons despite a complete lack of training, pads, or anything resembling a game plan.

     "We did our best," said an unidentified Falcons offensive lineman too embarrassed to let his name get out (it was Mark Simoneau). "But those guys, I mean, they swarmed all over you, they had these ancient concert t-shirts older than I am, they didn't talk, they just...they creeped the hell out of me.

     "In fact, that aptly sums up the defensive game. TwistedFans was lucky enough to be able to sit in the booth with DC Simmons and watch him in action. Coming out in full make-up and costume (he revealed that the KISS Army did not play as well if he did not), Simmons did little more during game time than point out his window at various Falcons players and shout, "I, Gene Simmons, command the KISS Army to stop that one! Nothing can stop the KISS Army!"

     How the KISS Army managed to hear him on the field is a mystery, but they always did as they were told. And nothing the Falcons could do seemed to slow them down.

     They were even effective while the Niners had the ball.

     "I wasn't too happy at first that they were coming in," said Niners QB Jeff Garcia after the game, "But I gotta admit, them standing there [on the sidelines] whenever we had the ball, the way they just stared at the other team...it was unnerving, made their defense make mistakes and allowed us to score early and often."

     Terrell Owens agreed, "It's true. Nothing can stop the KISS Army."

     League officials were not sure that the inclusion of the Army was quite legal under NFL rules, but they seemed hard pressed to argue given the pressure they were getting from members of the new 49'ers defense, who showed up and sung "I'm going to Rock'n'Roll all night and party every day" outside the windows of NFL headquartes until they were allowed to play without any kind of pads or uniforms. The singing had been going nonstop for three days before the NFL caved.

     TwistedFans tried to interview a few of the members of the new defense, but were unable to get a coherent answer from any of them. As far as anyone can determine, they get paid in food, lodgings, and being permitted to be in the presence of Gene Simmons. And many of them swear they have a wife of girlfriend named "Beth." Little is known of the individuals’ names, ages, genders, or even how many of them there are on the team at this time, and the 49'ers don't look to be too forthcoming with regard to disclosing this information in the near future.

     Will the KISS Army be the final piece of the puzzle for the Forty-Niners to win the championship? Or will the experiment fizzle? TwistedFans would give you its opinion at the this time, but a bunch of folks just showed up outside with Peter Criss and quite frankly, they're creeping us out as well. TwistedFans will keep you informed for future developments if they let us.

Razor Witt has a bona fide, kick-ass K.A. membership.

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