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Tues, Sep 4, 2001

New York Liberty Dark Secret Revealed


by Luke Cage
Madison Square Garden – Makeup, eyelashes, mascara, and wigs were found in the lockers of several New York Liberty players' lockers, and it was revealed that, in a sick attempt to win an ever-elusive championship, several New York Knicks have been masquerading as WNBA players. Allan "Crystal Robinson" Houston, Charlie "T-Spoon" Ward, and Kurt "Tari Phillips" Thomas, three members of the Knicks' "god squad," ditched their bible study this summer to win a WNBA championship. 

     The scheme began to fall apart when several witnesses saw one of Robinson/Houston’s fake breasts fall out of his bra during a team huddle. At first, the team’s fans made nothing of it. However, a reporter stalking Phillips/Thomas caught him standing over a toilet in the women’s restroom. With the charade uncovered, Charlie Ward attempted to turn himself in, but no would believe that he wasn’t Teresa Weatherspoon.

      The players confessed that they were trying to win a championship “by any means necessary.” No one knows how long the Knicks have been posing as WNBA players, but a source close to the NBA Commissioner’s office revealed that David Stern may have been cognizant of the scheme. “You don’t really believe the Houston Comets were all women do you? You think they won four championships without Hakeem Olajuwon and Sam Cassell posing as Tina Thompson and Cynthia Cooper do you?” inquired the sarcastic source.

      Kurt Thomas confessed that Charlie Ward was the brains behind the plan from the beginning. “Allan didn’t want to do it, but Charlie bitch-slapped him something fierce ... after that, he came around,” admitted Thomas. Other WNBA players suspected the Liberty was up to something when they frequently heard the soft Houston shout “aww my nuts!” after every collision under the basket. Liberty coach Richie Adubato was clueless as to the scandal, but acknowledged that his crush on Thomas/Phillips was destroyed after he noticed lumps protruding from his/her trunks.

      There was mixed reaction from various NBA figures. “I knew it all along,” said Shawn Kemp, who spent part of his offseason masquerading as a doctor and performing mammograms for various WNBA teams. Knicks coach Jeff Van Gundy refused to comment. Instead, he began throwing empty Diet Coke cans at reporters camped in front of his office. 

     PF Larry Johnson exhibited considerable relief at the revelation that Crystal Robinson was in fact Allan Houston. “We met in a dark corner of the Garden one night and ... well I’m just glad that there’s no chance of me being a dad again.” The best reaction came from Orlando center Patrick Ewing. When told of his ex-teammates’ deception, he immediately guaranteed that the Orlando Miracle will win next year’s WNBA crown.

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Luke Cage is expected to recover completely from his Phillips/Thomas bathroom experience shortly.
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