a

TwistedFans
SPORTS PARODY

Newsletter

Archive

Most Read Masthead Free Stuff Home

Tues, Sep 4, 2001

U.S. Open Diary: 8/30/01

.

TwistedFans.com does a full frontal assault on the US Open, and Flushing Meadows will never be the same.


by Willy P. Ondabich
Graphiconcepts by K-Cebo Satashi
11:00 am: Arrival. Flashing our TwistedFans.com media badges, we coolly stroll in to
the grounds. (Today all guests receive neat little Evian spray in Aerosol cans-- FREE! A sign of good things to come.)

11:00-11:30am: We scope out the scene. There are white people EVERYWHERE! It's like being at Fenway. DamHor spots Lleyton Hewitt and Martina Hingis kissing near a concession stand and we empty all three Evian sprays in their faces. Security quickly removed us from the premises.

11:36am: Back disguised as The Three Amigos, we entered Louis Armstrong Stadium to catch some of the Kim Clijsters-Allison Bradshaw matchup. Willy P. sucka punched one of the line judges and blew the first set single-handedly in favor of Clijsters. "What the FUCK do you mean the green part is out!?", Bradshaw inquired repeaqtedly. Oh well, tough break for her.

Of course we are rooting for Schett, she's much prettier.

12:30pm: We hit Court 8. The lovely Austrian Barbara Schett is one set up on the sole Tunisian of the tournament, Selima Sfar. Despite perturbed looks from the crowd (and Barbara herself), DamHor proudly waved a "Schett On My Face!" sign, which, needless to say, did not go over very well. That alone may have gotten us kicked out, but add to it K-Cebo's camera assault on Schett, which merely hastened forth our next inevitable ejection. The crowd, however, remained more curious than scared, until K-Cebo chased Schett all the way inside the media center screaming, "Paparazzi! Paparazzi!" while flashing a few dozen more photographs. Needless to say, Security threw us out again.

12:47pm: Dressed in Hari Krishna outfits, we went to Court 6 to view a Jelena Dokic (pronounced Dotch-Ick, sounds like Crotch Itch) doubles match. K-Cebo wished he hadn't taken 1,230 pictures of Schett so that he could have taken 1,230 more pictures of the lovelier, sultrier Dokic. We get hungry.

2:00pm: Lunch at the commons. The three of us start a new trend of eating atop garbage cans when the seats are all filled. Hey, it wasn't that dirty. Besides, a whole bunch of little kids followed what we were doing so it had to be cool.

3:30pm: Arthur Ashe Stadium. High-up nosebleed seats. We catch the end of the Capriati-Dominikovic match, which Jennifer completely dominated, and classily so. After that match ended, Andre Agassi came out and lost his first set to Nicolas Massu. The funniest thing about this was watching an elderly woman trip and fall over her own seat, looking quite foolish and amusing everyone in her proximity. After being accustomed to the intimate environment of smaller courts, we decide, "Booo-ring", and head back to Court 6.

5:00pm: Once in the afternoon, once in the evening, we simply could not get enough of Jelena. This was her mixed doubles match. After numerous flirtations, Willy P. has a brief tryst with her under the Grandstand as soon as the match is over, later brushing her off because "she's not my type."

7:00pm: We strolled over to Court 12 for one last unexpected thrill. The class act who we saw earlier in the day quickly turned into a street-fighter by night. Jennifer Capriati and her mentally challenged brother, Steven, were mixed doubles partners against Virginia Ruano Pascual and Lucas Arnold. Following an argument over a disputed call, the two teams quickly exchanged barbs and the tensions heightened. Jen went off on the foreigners, delighting all Americans in her presence. Amid shouts of "Team Capriati!", Jen and Steven began pummeling their opponents with line judge chairs while the crowd threw oversized tennis balls at them. Pascual and Arnold "submitted" and Team Capriati won by default. Following the match, Jen signed K-Cebo's E-Z Widers and the four of us lit up and smoked a J behind the Kosher concession stand. Shortly thereafter, Papa Capriati and Steven grabbed us by our ears and dragged us from the stadium.

8:00pm: We again re-entered for the night session, this time in Teletubby outfits. After sneaking into the Grandstand, we watched crafty veterans Martina Navratilova and Sanchez-Vicario dominate their younger opponents. After the match, as we were standing on line for the bathroom, Navratilova spotted DamHor, dressed as Tinky-Winky. She came charging and tackled him to the ground in utter glee, hoping to get an autograph. Unfortunately, before she could, Security came and whisked her away. Still, a perfect end to our day.

Well, that wraps it up. See you at next year's Open.


For the record,
TwistedFans.com has been permanently banned from all future USTA events.
Email this story to a friend Back To Top

Issue #15

New York Liberty/Knicks Dark Secret Revealed
Seattle Wins Bid to Host Yankees W.S. Championship Parade
Giants Sign Summerall
Rolando Paulino Look Out! TwistedFans' Fields Little League Team of One's Own
Barry, Sammy & Big Mac Plan Rock Tour for Off-Season
Butch Rogaine Cuts Ali Down to Size





a



Home | Subscribe | Contact Us | Links | Feedback | Privacy Policy
Copyright 2001 TwistedFans, LLC, ARRAWR.
aa
Risk-Free Trials!