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Tues, Sep 4, 2001

Barry, Sammy and Big Mac Set to Tour as Rock Band During Off-Season

Destiny’s Bastard will headline the “Andro Tour,” sponsored by the makers of Xenadrine, Creatine, and Androstenedione.

by Luscious Rosenbaum

     The home-run hitting triumvirate of Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, and Barry Bonds will hit the rock circuit this winter, according to sources at Andro Entertainment. Performing under the name “Destiny’s Bastard,” the slugging divas will spend November with producer Rick Rubin, recording their rap-metal debut album “Born in the Research Lab.” 

     The five piece band will consist of McGwire on bass guitar, Sosa on drums, Bonds on vocals/tambourine, rocker Zakk Wylde on guitar, and former Skid Row frontman Sebastian Bach on background vocals.

     According to Andro Entertainment, Bonds has already written half of the songs scheduled to appear on Born in the Research Lab. “Barry has been spending a lot of quiet time by himself at the S.F. Giants locker room, the source of his inspiration. He’s come up with all kinds of great tunes that the band will preview for you all once he does his ritual choke in the post season.” 

     A partial song list released to TwistedFans.com reveals that the band will perform:                       
            Hormone Potion 
            Small Balls
            Steroid Rage
           Maris Schmaris
            Smack My Kent Up

     The band will tour gyms throughout the Midwest, singing and smashing stuff before the small testicled masses. “I know I’m gonna love Destiny’s Bastard,” said one smiling fitness fanatic in a high-pitched voice, before suddenly flying into a rage and punching a nearby payphone.

     Opening for Destiny’s Bastard will be “Limp Johnson,” an all girl band consisting of tennis stars Kim Clijsters, Justine Henine and Amelie Mauresmo.

Luscious Rosenbaum prefers, however, the natural rock music stylings of Bernie Williams.
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