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Tues, Sep 4, 2001

Giants Sign Summerall to Compete with PK Andersen


by Butch Rogaine

East Rutherford, NJ N.Y. Giants G.M. Ernie Accorsi announced today that the team is about to re-sign its former PK, announcer Pat Summerall. “We had to move swiftly to secure as much veteran talent at the position as possible,” said Accorsi, who signed 20 year veteran Mort Andersen last week.

     The NFC Champions’ pursuit of Summerall is no great shock to those ‘in the know.’ New York has been skeptical about the ability of Andersen, a career dome kicker, to battle the swirling winds of Giants Stadium. A competition between Andersen and Summerall is likely to give the team a better idea of who they can count on.

     According to several NFL scouts, Summerall looks to be in peak shape. “At preseason games, he’s been walking around with a huge swagger,” noted one scout who did not wish to be identified. “I was on the field one day when I saw Summerall and Madden doing a pre-game interview with Daunte Culpepper. Pat was asking Culpepper a question and, before the QB could answer, he ripped his blazer and shirt off and let out an inhuman yell. Then he started flexing his muscles and looking up at the stands with a strained look on his face. It’s like he thought he was the Hulk or something. He doesn’t lack for confidence and could be an important pick-up for them.”

     The deal has yet to be finalized due to financial and medical concerns. First, the Giants are hoping to petition the League to sign Summerall for the regular minimum, rather than a slightly higher veteran minimum that would put them over the cap. Summerall, a participant in the “Greatest Game Ever Played,” a Giants loss to the Colts in the 1958 Championship, says he does not care how much he gets paid and will argue against receiving the higher veteran figure. “For me, its not about the money. I can get more as a broadcaster, but it’s not the same as being able to stand on the field in cleats and inhale the Jersey swamp fumes.”

     Summerall’s physical health is also a concern. Several close to the broadcaster fear he is putting too much strain on his heart by popping Viagra pills before his many prolonged periods of weight lifting. The League will likely to require Summerall to receive a thorough physical before he can take the field. 

     Regardless of how well the broadcaster does in his return to kicking, he has already made several enemies. Some current place kickers, jealous of Summerall, are pushing the NFL to declare Bengay, Viagra, Metameucil, Propecia, and Joint-ritis as illegal substances. “Owl of dee old peeple, day haf so many theengs to hyelp dem physically. It is nofare,” explained Raiders kicker Sebastian Janikowski, while lying flat on his back atop a bar and drinking Budweiser out of the tap.

     Don’t expect any of this to faze Summerall. “All I know is that I am going to win the job and help kick the team to another Superbowl. And my fat bastard of a partner better put me on his All-Madden team at the end of the year, or I will tear that bus of his to bits with my teeth and bare hands!”

Butch Rogaine
is currently in training with "The Scooter" Phil Rizzuto, who the Yankees hope to sign to play third base for the stretch run.
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Issue #15


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