Ewing to Join Lakers .... as Mascot


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     Former NBA great Patrick Ewing has announced that he will return for a 17th season of professional basketball, acting as a mascot for the Los Angeles Lakers. Ewing will dress as a Native American named "Big Chief Triangle." His main task will be to run out onto the court during intermission and clang on a tiny metal triangle.

     The novelty was conceived of by Lakers coach Phil Jackson, who was once called "Big Chief Triangle" by former New York Knicks coach Jeff Van Gundy. "I think Patrick and his little metal triangle will remind our players to focus on their triangle offense," explains Jackson, who is also rumored to have received a large sum of money from Ewing.

     Although some Lakers players were surprised at the move, star center Shaquille O'Neal was not among them. In fact, he voiced great support for Ewing: "Back when we would match up against each other in the East, I knew Patrick had it in him to be a mascot. In fact, there were many times I thought he was one." 

     On the business side, Ewing's agent, David Falk, has allegedly obtained a $50,000 contract for the former star center. "I believe that, even though he is 40 years old, Patrick will come back to the league rejuvenated this year," notes Falk. "He is going to clang the triangle really hard and, who knows, maybe in a few years they will be raising his sweaty leather vest and feathers to the rafters."

Investigated by Willy P. Ondabich, reported by Butch Rogaine.
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