Bush Blames Baseball's Woes on Hussein, Angelos

Luscious Archive


     President George W. Bush today placed sole blame for baseball's labor troubles on the shoulders of Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein and Baltimore Orioles owner Peter Angelos. In a statement issued by his press secretary, Bush claimed that Hussein and Angelos have been in cahoots in a strange plot.

     "Mr. Angelos has betrayed his country," read the release. "In return for a bribe, he has conspired with Hussein to sabotage labor talks between the owners and players' union. CIA operatives have uncovered evidence highly suggestive of the fact that Angelos has agreed to act as Hussein's puppet on the labor front in return for the dictator purchasing the Orioles from him for several hundred oil wells in Iraq."

     While the government's linking of Hussein to Angelos is the first of public record, at least one Baltimore player's account of the owner's behavior lends credence to suspicions of treason. "Mr. Angelos rides a big Arabian horse around the locker room and makes us call him 'mullah,'" explains pitcher Jason Johnson.

     Experts say that, in order to instigate a work stoppage, Hussein is using Angelos to incite owners to lock players out. The basis of a Hussein-Angelos union likely rests upon the Iraqi's belief that causing a labor strike may cause the nation to falter into a deep, dark, baseball-less abyss.

     Using the same logic, Libyan dictator Moammar Quadafi is said to be trying to force a work stoppage in the WNBA.

Luscious Rosenbaum will cover the effect of the baseball strike on the families of the Washington Senators players for The History Channel this fall.
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