TwistedFans.com: sports, insanity and miscellany since 2001

Notre Dame: (sorry, can't find the link, but here's the story)
Notre Dame's gone down in flames.

HOW LOW CAN YOU GO

After his trips to Florida State and Auburn, Willie Williams Notre Dame experience was most dissapointing. His travel arrangements went from a personal jet, to sharing a jet with other recruits and the new low, Notre Dame sent him a plane ticket on Vanguard Airlines.

Upon arriving at Chicago's Midway airport Willie noticed something, "I told them hey, this is Chicago" said Williams. "They said I had to get off the plane anyhow, and I thought that was real bug." Once Williams disembarked he was greeted by a representative from the United Limo company, who led him to a limo, and brought him the rest of the way to South Bend.

"I couldn't beleive how hungry I was, but the driver was real cool on a smooth tip and let me hold some potato chips."

When he finally arrived on campus, Williams had one thing on his mind.

"Coach Willingham came to see me when I got there, and said he was really glad I came to visit. I said yo, coach where you hiding all the eats? Then Coach drove me to King Gyros and it was great! I didn't have to wait but two minutes for my Gyros Platter, it was so good I ate two of them. But I didn't eat no goat cheese, cause Coach said it's made from goats milk and I ain't no baby goat!"

As excited as Williams was about not having to wait for his food, Notre Dame still had a long way to go to catch Florida State in his mind.

"Coach Willingham told me I could play right away, that I could play any position I wanted and sometimes call plays for the offense, but I told him I want to go somewhere that I can drive an Escalade."

DO YOU HAVE A RESERVATION?

Williams being the proverbial hitchikers guide to the galaxy gives his rating of The Morris Inn next.

"The hotel they had me stayin at looked like a library, it had gift shop in it, I'm not sure what's up with that.There was a restraunt there but no room service. It was called the Morris Inn but no matter how hard I looked, I didn't see no dang cat anywhere around there."

BE MY GUIDE

On Saturday Willie Williams was introduced to his guide for the day, Carlyle Holiday.

"Carlyle was real cool, but I didn't wanna hang around no position changer so I asked for a different guide. I asked if my guide could be Victor Abiamiri, cause I been wantin a playstation deuce, and I figured he could hook me up. He showed me the locker room, the stadium and then was walked a long way, I was like what are you some kind of Jonny Appleseed or somethin? We saw this place with lots of candles, it was called the gratto. I got real close to the candles cause I was ice cold, and my coat caught fire and Victor pushed me down in the snow to put it out. When I first got to South Bend I thought snow was the most dumbest thing ever but now I know it's more gooder than I thought."

WHERE'S THE PARTY?

Williams was most dissapointed that there were no parties to go to, and though the players did take him to "Heartland" a local club, Willie said "I can't two step no how."

WHERE'S THE WOMENS?

On Sunday Willie left to make his way home.

"All weekend long and Notre Dame never sent one of those girls to my hotel room to cheer me up like FSU and Auburn did. I was all alone in my room, so after awhile, I just cheered myself up. I can do that at home, forget the Irish."

Next week: Ohio State tries to lure Willie.

This Sucks

[Taken from an article on AI.com]

Under IRS expensing rules, an owner who uses a vehicle with a GVWR of more than 6,000 pounds more than 50 percent in his or her business can write off up to $100,000 of the purchase price. The largest deduction allowed for smaller cars or trucks is only about $11,000. The Sierra Club estimates the savings for a small-business purchase of an H1 to be over $33,000. The tax break for purchasing a fuel-efficient hybrid vehicle? A mere $3,700.

Read the rest of the article here.

Posted by Crash | permalink | comment

Minor Leaguer says Gay porn role a 'mistake'

ESPN.com: "I did participate in a video and I regret it very much," Indians minor league pitcher Kazuhito Tadano said. "It was a one-time incident that showed bad judgment and will never be repeated. I was young, playing baseball, and going to college and my teammates and I needed money."

Of course, Fleshbot has some NSFW coverage of this story.

The above is excerpted from the AP article on ESPN.com. However, there is also an article on AVN by Scott Ross which is almost identical to the ESPN, however it provides some additional details that is left out of the on on ESPN.com.

Scott Ross:

Billy Bean, who played for the Tigers, Dodgers and Padres came out of the closet after his retirement. Glenn Burke, who played with the Los Angeles Dodgers and Oakland Athletics has also come out of the closet

Hall of Fame pitcher Sandy Koufax is rumored to be gay, though he fiercely denied it.

In 2002, future Hall of Fame catcher Mike Piazza held a press conference to profess his heterosexuality after a gossip columnist suggested one of the Mets was gay.

Posted by KJ | permalink | comment

January 27, 2004

Fired for Flashing

FOXNews.com is reporting that News Anchor Catherine Bosley was fired for entering a wet -t-shirt contest and flashing (nsfw).

Posted by KJ | permalink | comment

Golden Globes: B(r)e(a)st Dressed

J. Lo, ML Parker, Blanchette, CSI, Elisha Cuthbert, Scarlet Johansson, Zellwegger, and Jennifer Aniston.

Posted by KJ | permalink | comment

January 26, 2004

Fun with Excel at work

Posted by KJ | permalink | comment

January 25, 2004

The $50 Billion Transit Plan

Plans for a Second Avenue subway and Downtown Hub are just the start.

Posted by KJ | permalink | comment

Killer Diet

Have you guys heard about the documentary filmmaker who ate McDonalds exclusively for 30-days

Scores of cheeseburgers, hundreds of fries and dozens of chocolate shakes later, the formerly strapping 6-foot-2 New Yorker - who started out at a healthy 185 pounds - had packed on 25 pounds. Within a few days of beginning his drive-through diet, Spurlock was vomiting out the window of his car, and doctors who examined him were shocked at how rapidly Spurlock's entire body deteriorated. His liver became toxic, his cholesterol shot up from a low 165 to 230, his libido flagged and he suffered headaches and depression. [NY Post]

Posted by KJ | permalink | comment

January 23, 2004

Wonkette

Nick Denton writes: "Wonkette, the new political gossip blog, just went live. It's a sister site of Gawker, the New York media site. Playing Wonkette is Ana Marie Cox, who used to write Suck, the nastiest thing to come out of Wired Digital."

I especially enjoy the Barbara Bush and Vincent Gallo coverage.

Posted by KJ | permalink | comment

Ben, Jen Over

I could have sworn this said: Bend Jen Over. You can find Jen bent over here. More Jennifer Lopez pics.

Posted by KJ | permalink | comment

January 22, 2004

Model Orgy

Why you need to watch Top Model 2...

Also... recently eliminated Top Model Bethany Harrison tells TV Guide her breasts are fake:

TVGO: Your chest was discussed a lot. Have you had breast enhancement?
Bethany: Yes.

TVGO: Was that to help your modeling or just a personal choice?
Bethany: It was just personal. [Chuckles] And everything's bigger here in Texas, right?

TVGO: If they cast you on the show in the first place, how did the size of your breasts turn into a problem?
Bethany: Amen, brother! I was like, "I've made it this far. These people have seen me. Why are they making this an issue now?"

Posted by KJ | permalink | comment

Random NBA Cheerleader Generator

Phoenix Suns' Felisha

Posted by KJ | permalink | comment

January 21, 2004

Hatin' Ratner

Steve Cuozzo: In other words, the Times is in the real-estate business with Ratner. And it's in this context that the paper is cheerleading for Ratner's projects and agendas around town.

Josh Goldfein: In the future shadow of the Nets, a Brooklyn nabe remembers what's at stake

On Dean St., Ratner a rat: Sal Perry, who stands up to Bruce Ratner and the Nets and anybody else who tries to take his home, says that when he stands in front of that home, 475 Dean St. in Brooklyn, he sees so much more than concrete and reinforced steel and enormous windows, the windows designed this way to make the light of the day last as long as it possibly can.

Just received an email from the Prospect Heights Action Coalition providing us with some people you can contact to keep the Nets out of Brooklyn:

1. Marty Markowitz's office phone 718-802-3700; let Marty know that you're holding to him to his statements about protecting the community!!

2. David Stern's office phone 212-407-8000 ask for the commissioner's office

3. Michael Bloomberg's office 212-788-3000

4. Charles Schumer's office 212-486-4430

Posted by KJ | permalink | comment

Prayer for Porn Browsers

Please God, help me cleanse
the computer of viruses
and evil photographs
which disturb and ruin my work...,
so that I shall be able to cleanse myself (of sin)

Benediction by Shlomo Eliahu, chief rabbi in the northern town of Safed

Posted by KJ | permalink | comment

January 20, 2004

Calculate your Daily Intake of Caffeine

Caffeine Content Of Popular Drinks
12-ounce beverage / milligrams

Diet Coke / 45.6 (3.833 mg per oz.)
Diet Dr. Pepper / 41.0
Coca-Cola Classic / 34.0

8-ounce Beverage / milligrams

Coffee, Drip / 115-175 (approx 15 mg per oz)
Coffee, Brewed / 80-135
Coffee, Espresso (2 ounces) / 100
Red Bull (8.2 oz) / 80.0
Tea / (avg.) 50
Tea, green / 15
Hot cocoa / 14

Full list here.

My intake = 526

Growing discussion here.

Posted by KJ | permalink | comment

January 17, 2004

ESPN screws Wie viewers

I was watching Michelle Wie enjoying her stroll into history last night when ESPN cut out for basketball and boxing. WTF?

Posted by KJ | permalink | comment

January 16, 2004

Paint Remover

During the Knicks game, Sirius Satellite Radio ran a commercial about their new promotion. For some strange reason, they feel it's a real prize to have Pamela Anderson wash the winners car. But seriously, who would want that old-skank washing their car? I mean, after she leaves, you'd just have to do it again to wash the hepatitis off of it.

Posted by Crash | permalink | comment

January 15, 2004

Register To Vote

If you haven't already, you can register here.

It's times like this that I can't help but remember Randy Of The Redwoods, his dog Feedback, and when Randy ran for president in 1988.

Posted by Crash | permalink | comment

January 14, 2004

Best New York Blog

New York Magazine wants you to vote for best New York Blog (do they mean best New York centric blog or best blog whose editor is located in New York -- I'll assume the former), anyway here's the list:

601am
BuzzMachine
Gawker
Gothamist
greg.org
Lockhart Steele
lowculture
Maude Newton
MemeFirst
TMFTML

I think my vote will be for Gothamist and only because I've been spending more time there since Spiers left Gawker.

Posted by KJ | permalink | comment

Bigger waste of money

Bush's $1.5 B drive to promote marriage or $1B for Space Exploration?

Answer: Both -- he's fucking nuts.

Update: it was warmer on Mars then in NYC today....

• Wednesday in the early afternoon at the Gusev crater it was plus 12 degrees Fahrenheit (-11 Celsius), according to the rover's infrared instrument.
• At 1 p.m. Wednesday in Syracuse, N.Y. it was -4 Fahrenheit. In Mt. Washington, N.H. it was -36.
• 
  
  

  Posted by KJ | permalink | comment

  
  
  
  
  History of Indie Films
  
  WSJ or NYT: Peter Biskind's Down and Dirty Pictures is an engaging and authoritative chronicle of independent films.
  
  

  Posted by KJ | permalink | comment

  
  

  
  

  Clemens, Asstro
  
  George Vecsey: "The Yankees gave Clemens more than he gave them. They gave him the stage where his talent, his drive, his discipline, would be worth something. They gave him his rings."
  
  

  Posted by KJ | permalink | comment

  
  

  January 13, 2004

  
  

  Our Boy Steph
  
  "Truthfully, I don't give a bleep what they're saying about me in Phoenix. All I care about is helpin' the Knicks become a championship team. This is the best [bleepin'] situation I've ever been in my life and I intend to enjoy it to the mother [bleepin'] max." [NYPost]
  
  

  Posted by KJ | permalink | comment

  
  

  January 11, 2004

  
  

  Sports Guy bid for 11-0 falls short
  
  Sports Guy had a perfect week one, but his Pats let him down with a narrow victory over the Titans in a game whose ending was reminiscent of the Tuck Rule game the year the Pats won the Super Bowl.
  
  I ended up 4-0 this week against the spread. Sorry, Bill.
  
  

  Posted by KJ | permalink | comment

  
  

  January 9, 2004

  
  

  TwistedFans' Latest Product
  
  Some of TwistedFans' greatest ideas have often come while we've been away from the computer. One Incredible idea after another have been lost because we have lacked the technology (and memory) to record it. Worse still, we had to live knowing untold millions of interent users (the real victims) had been deprived of exposure to our genius. As the problem continued unabated, TwistedFans.com slowly realized it was up to them to remedy it. So, armed in the knowledge they fought for the good of mankind, TwistedFans set out to find a solution!
  
  The first option we reviewed was to equip the TF staff with cell phones cable of sending in remote posts. Unfortunately, there was two main roadblocks with this idea. First, was financial. Rumor has it that cellphones cost hundreds of dollars and incur monthly fees. One quick look at the TwistedFans endowment, and we realized contributions hit an all time low in 2003 (You cheap bastards!).
  
  Secondly, extensive research shows typing on a cell phone can be difficult while consuming large amounts of alcohol, which, more often than not, is a critical part of the TwistedFans' think tank sessions. Sadly, the idea of cellphones was scrapped.
  
  Next, we turned to commercially available PDA's. Although easier to use during our "brainstorming" sessions, they too had their flaws. Initial reports suggested PDA's are more expensive then cell phones. Again, this is not conducive to such a cash-starved blog such as TwistedFans.com (it's as if you people don't even see our amazon ad).
  
  Even more critical is how fragile PDA's can be. Something as minor as a drop from the roof of an apartment or being hurled across the room in a drunken rage could cause it's destruction. Obviously, PDA's were not our solution.
  
  As we eliminated one product after enough, it became clear there was only one option left. Since the current market could not meet our demands, we decided to turn the project over to our in-house development team (who are much better than our out-house development team). Soon our brightest technicians were working hard to solve the problem. Happily, what they developed can only be described as utterly ground-breaking. In fact, each of our staff has been issued this new and revolutionary product at the beginning of the year, and all I can say is the results are outstanding.
  
  Because of the product's success internally (and to help offset the high research and development costs), we have decided to begin producing it commercially. Without further ado, we proudly present TwistedFans' Incredible Data and Image ObjecT (IDIOT for short).
  Here are but a few of it's amazing features!

  • Super shock-resistant casing
  • Low power requirement - you will never need to replace a battery, guaranteed!
  • Stylish casing - available in a rainbow of colors
  • Full color display
  • So easy to use, your kids could do it
  • Allows you to enter text and pictures
  • Now equiped with a new "Calendar" feature
  • Absolutely no monthly fees, ever!

  Now, if I were to tell you it could do all that, how much would you be willing to pay? $500? $600? Well then, you'll be overjoyed to hear our price. Yes, we are letting these go for the one-time, low, low price of only $99.99!
  
  Act now and we'll double the storage capacity for only an additional $19.95!
  Hurry, supplies are limited!
  
  

  Posted by Crash | permalink | comment

  
  

  January 8, 2004

  
  

  The Rolodex Emails
  
  Gawker reports that there "are two fascinating and similar emails going around today. One begins:

  "The AP Sports desk accidentally emailed out there sports rolodex today to other newsies. If you've been wanting to raise hell with Peter Ueberroth, talk to Hammering Hank, or see how much Pete Rose was actually wagering - give em a call. Before they change their numbers. Someone at the AP is in deep doo-doo."

  The other says:

  "Some clown from AP Sports put his entire rolodex in a story and sent it out ... Someone is handing him a brightly colored pink slip as we speak. So many good names... can't wait to drunk dial Steinbrenner & Bush"

  The list that follows both emails contains hundreds of names and numbers -- from Hank Aaron to Don Zimmer."
  
  Update: you can find the lists here and here.
  
  The lists also contain some aol email addresses such as for Tim Hudson and Barry Zito. You can also google the phone numbers and find home addresses so you can write a letter to your fav athlete after he changes his number.
  
  Update: Howard Fendrich, AP sportswriter, confesses to being the leaker...
  
  

  Posted by KJ | permalink | comment

  
  

  
  

  Jason Calacanis - Image Thief
  
  Jason Calacanis, Ex-CEO of Silicon Alley Reporter, has decided to suck up some serious bandwidth by inline linking to one of the images that we "borrowed" from ESPN quite some time ago; and of course without attribution. I guess he hasn't read what some people do to image thiefs.
  
  Update: Received a nice email from Jason indicating that he removed the link. Thanks Jason but you should have just stole the image and linked to this stupid article about Layden.
  
  

  Posted by KJ | permalink | comment

  
  

  
  

  TwistedFans Reporter Taken Hostage!
  
  Shhh! Don't let them hear you....
  
  I've quietly posted this in hopes it will help others avoid my fate. You see, an evil empire has sent it's minion into my apartment and has enslaved me. Ever since their wires were attached, addictive messages have been sent to my brain continously. Each day I wake up lazier, fatter, more stupid, and more accepting of their tactics. It's tenticles have even ensnared my loved ones, dragging them down with me. I know it's wrong, I know I need to break away, but I just don't believe it's possible any more. The addiction has gone too far. Yes, my cable company has ruined my life.
  
  I know what you're thinking, that it's my own fault. Of course you think that, you don't understand. You couldn't understand. No one ever understands!
  
  It's not my fault, honest. I've canceled my cable. For four years I haven't paid a bill, but they just keep pumping it into my TV. I've even called repeatedly to have them shut it off, but to no avail. What am I suppose to do (I mean besides unhook it or cut the wire)?
  
  Ok, you got me. This didn't really happen to me (I can stop watching whenever I want to. Really). But it did happen to this guy. I'm no lawyer, but I think he's got a case. I mean, how can you argue with this logic:

  “I believe that the reason I smoke and drink every day and my wife is overweight is because we watched TV every day for the last four years”

  What other possible reasoning could explain it?
  You've been warned.
  -Crash
  
  

  Posted by Crash | permalink | comment

  
  

  January 6, 2004

  
  

  I'll be Dumpster Diving Today
  
  My posts may be a little sparse over the next few days as I plan on spending most of my time searching a Quick Shop Food Mart dumpster in Cleveland. If my quest is successful, I promise to post on a more regular basis as soon as I quit my job.
  
  [Update] What?!? She was lying?!?? Oh... uhhh... yeah, of course I knew that. I wasn't really routing through garbage or anything. I mean, how desperate do you think I am?
  
  As for her and her pathetic lie, it's just another example of how low some people will sink chasing the almighty dollar. It's sad, really. Let's just be greatful we're above that, right?
  
  On a completely unrelated note, does anyone know if Continental really refuses to give refunds on their non-refundable tickets?
  
  

  Posted by Crash | permalink | comment

  
  

  Read more in the Archives

  whois your humble narrators thru the www: Crash & KJ email us tips or links Archives Search TwistedFans.com Syndicate this site 2004 2003 2002 Sports Parody 2001-02 KJ's Roll Crash's Picks defective yeti The Sneeze Clark Hornbell Rutgers News nyc bloggers Sports Sites Boys of Summer Dan Lewis NY Daily News Sports Fan Magazine Sports Central SportsbyBrooks SportsFilter ESPN Page 2 Yanks Reference Cruel Disturbing Results Fucked Company The Post Smoking Gun The Onion E-Cards Urban Legends Gaming Review: TradeSports Sports Odds Newsfutures Hollywood Stock Exchange Iowa Electronic Markets Foresight Exchange NYP games More Links Bomis Babe Report Daze Reader Dubberly Eros Pornoblography Nerve The Porn Myth Bukkake to America American Porn Name That Porno Pornzilla the sex film project suicidegirls Britney Spears is Toxic Courtney Love Manhattan Speak Easies Why do guys shiver when they pee? Men's Room Etiquette Stripper resources Virtual Strip Club Republican Babes spybabe pixel pr0ntings animated gif porn snowman porn Very Secret GQ Girls Model Mania metacritic GameFAQs E-Cards 4 Porn Addicts Krauss99 Sexlinks Navel Gazing Real or Fake boobsquad.com BumFights.com Mookie & Jic Dirty Questions Powered by Haloscan Blogger Setup Site sucks! Odds & Ends Google's #1 Ranked Sports Parody Estab. May 2001 "It's like The Onion ...but with balls!" Kenneth Goldstein, The Illuminated Donkey Disclaimer | Privacy get a GoStats hit counter

  advertisements Amazon  ebay MusicMatch  Match.com College Essay Advantage TradeSports Sports Odds Hosting by Webhost4Life The World's Funniest Athletic Supporters