Matt Schroeder's Super Bowl Notebook



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Governors Gamble Public Funds

ST. LOUIS – Missouri Gov. Bob Holden is feeling pretty confident in the St. Louis Rams’ chances. The governor has offered a wager to Massachusetts Gov. Jane Swift for Sunday’s Super Bowl XXXVI, pitting the Rams against the New England Patriots in New Orleans. Holden said Monday he would put $1.2 million of state funds against a similar amount from Massachusetts, adding that he would give the Patriots 12 points.

   “And I’m willing to let Gov. Swift make the Super Bowl part of a three-game parlay if she wants, thrown in with two college basketball games of her choice,” Holden said. Missouri Republicans immediately criticized the governor for gambling public funds on sporting events. But Holden quickly dismissed those complaints. “I’ve got a system that never fails me, plus I have inside information about Patriots injuries that not even the media knows about,” Holden said. “That money is earmarked for teachers’ pensions, and won’t the union be thrilled when I double their funds in one afternoon.”


Madison Avenue Plans WWF-style Commercial Spots

NEW ORLEANS – The Super Bowl telecast is often as noteworthy for the commercials as for the game, and this year will be no different. Early buzz says the most interesting advertisement will be a risky live commercial from Chevrolet, in which Garth Brooks – author of that relentless Dr. Pepper ad – will be pitted against that Jared guy of Subway fame in a steel cage match to the death. 

   “This is all about developing a positive image to associate with Chevrolet cars and trucks,” said Jack Nathanson, vice president of marketing for Chevrolet. “Frankly, I can’t think of anything that would make people feel better than to see Garth and Jared beat the shit out of each other. When people think of those irritating bastards massacred to a bloody pulp, they’ll smile and think of Chevrolet. That’s our goal.”

   Nathanson said the advertisement will be shown between the first and second quarters, and updates will be given throughout the game until at least one combatant is declared clinically dead.

   In a related note, Missouri Gov. Bob Holden said he would put $500,000 of state highway repair funding on Jared, against “any governor who wants a piece of that action.”


Summerall Set to Leave with a Bang

NEW YORK – Fox Sports broadcaster Pat Summerall began preparations for his final Super Bowl broadcast Monday by insisting that New Orleans is located in Texas. 

   Summerall, who will retire after Super Bowl XXXVI, said during a conference call with national TV writers that he looked forward to driving down to the Dallas/Fort Worth area sometime during the week. “I was hoping to take the Maddencruiser down I-5 for a few drinks with Cowboys kicker Rafael Septien,” Summerall said.

   A writer from Philadelphia pointed out that I-5 is actually in California and that Rafael Septien hasn’t kicked for the Cowboys for more than a decade. Summerall responded, “So then I’ll just walk. It’s not that far from New Orleans to Dallas.”

   Another journalist pointed out that it’s more than 500 miles from New Orleans to Dallas. After a brief silence, Summerall said, “Regardless of what you say, Chris Warner is the kind of quarterback who can get the job done.” Fox executives immediately ended the conference call. 

   Summerall’s partner, John Madden, commented on the episode: “Hey, either you love Pat or you don’t, and hey, if you don’t, then you obviously don’t love him as much as people who have loved him for a long time.”

Matt Schroeder speculates that Summerall may be the man to pull the trigger at Super Bowl XXXVI's Half Time Execution Spectacular.

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