TwistedFans Sports Parody  |  Issue 65  |  October 21, 2002

Joe Buck Suffers Groin Injury Announcing World Series

   Fox broadcaster Joe Buck will be sidelined for at least 2 games after suffering a mysterious groin injury during Game 2 of the World Series. Buck's groin area began swelling uncontrollably as Giants slugger Barry Bonds came to the plate. Television viewers could hear him say "Barry ... oh Barry!" before booth/life partner Tim McCarver began calling for a medic.

   According to gofers present in the booth, Buck began complaining of tightness in his crotch area. Medics at the scene had to cut him out of his pants and underwear, which bore an illegible autograph. McCarver, visibly upset, could be heard muttering words such as "betrayed" and "gold digger" under his breath as his partner was carried out.

   Not surprisingly, Bonds struck out before going to visit Buck after the game, where it is believed he still managed to score.

Tupa Autographs Football After Awesome Punt

   Tampa punter Tom Tupa braved the NFL's new regulations against having dangerous foreign objects on the field, when he kicked a ferocious 60 yard punt against the Eagles and then used a sharpie pen to sign a fan's shoe.

   Tupa, long known as a renegade kicker (he once wore two different color socks to a game), said he wanted to support outcast wide receiver Terrell Owens. "Yo man, T.O. was just celebrating a great play by doing something nice for a fan. We all keep those sharpie pens for such occasions."

   The punter signed the shoe of a mentally challenged fan later identified as Pat Summerall.  While Summerall seemed very pleased at the new decoration on his shoe, the incident may mark the beginning of mayhem and pandemonium in the NFL.

   Tupa, however, shrugs off the attention being made. "All I have to say to any of those NFL execs is that when you sit on the sidelines all game and occasionally kick the ball away, then you can come back and talk to me. Until then, just bask in my punting glory you jealous bastards."

Knicks Plan to Reach Finals By Catching Opponents Napping

   New York Knicks forward/center Kurt Thomas believes his team has found the key to success this season, despite the loss of Antonio McDyess to a broken knee cap.

   "We is gonna catch them sleeping," explains the Texas native, standing in front of the screaming trunk of his sports car by team's practice facility. His bloodshot eyes dueling with each other in a mad dance, Thomas says his teammates have made a sincere commitment to winning.

   "It all started when [team mystic/point guard] Charile [Ward] had this vision," he notes. "He wuz smelling his socks after a game, when an angel came! It told Charlie said that there are demons in the NBA ... that we must see to it that they are killed."

   Not long after the vision, it became apparent to Thomas, Ward and injured guard/forward Latrell Sprewell that most of their opposition this season will most likely have a demon or two on its roster.   

   Consequently, Ward and Sprewell have agreed to comb hotel rooms of the visiting team, where Ward will select which players appear to be demons. "Usually they are star players," notes Thomas, who will be driving the duo.

   Sprewell will then strangle the selected players and feed them to his pitbull. (link to sprewell art from 2 wks ago)

   When asked for comment, coach Don Chaney said "heck, it's easier than me trying to teach them defense."

Garcia Ex Runs Into Niners Huddle, Requests Closure

    A disgruntled ex-lover of Jeff Garcia ran into the huddle late in the fourth quarter yesterday seeking answers for his recent jilting. "For the love of God, all I need to know is WHY," asked 38-year old construction worker Henry "Tank" Wilson. "Now is not the time, Tank," replied Garcia, as Wilson was being dragged off the field by security.  The ex also had in his possession a bouquet of flowers and a laundry list of reasons why Jeff should stay with him.

Copyright © 2001 TwistedFans, Inc., ARRAWR.

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