PROVO, UT – Wearing sports goggles and holding literature in their gloved fists, three teams of missionaries of various faiths will embark upon the first ever Missionary Run at the Winter Olympics. The event, which gives each team of missionaries its own 1,000 meter radius of heathens to convert, is an attempt by the IOC to add a greater moral sense of purpose to the Games.
In its inaugural year, the sport will pit pairs of Mormons, Hare Krishnas, and Jehovah's Witnesses against each other. The event is an attempt to cater to the pious population of Salt Lake City. "We were so happy to be bribed by the state of Utah, that we thought we should give them something back," explains Fernando Villa Sanchez Ramos Fernando, IOC vice president. "The people here are very proud of their faith, so we thought we should find some way for them to participate."
This missionaries n this year's games, who had to defeat religious persons of other faiths in preliminary rounds, will be slowed by the fact they must wear large snow shoes from door to door. "I'm not used to wearing anything more snug than a sandal," explains Jirri Yari, a Krishna from Logan Airport. To make the course even more challenging, the venues for the sport will consist of a strip of casino-hotels in the neighboring state of Nevada. "Vegas doesn't scare me," notes Mormon missionary Brigham Jigham. "I've been preparing by watching the Exorcist over and over."
If successful, Olympic missionarying is expected to become a full fledged medal sport. Furthermore, it will pave the way for more events tailored to the flavor and culture of future host cities. In anticipation of NYC winning a bid to host the Games, there are already plans for an event called Olympic Corrupting. "I can make anyone stop believing in God," boasts Vito Gigante, an Olympic hopeful with over 10 years of corruption experience. "Once my teammate is out of the pen in 2008, there's gonna be hell to pay."
Fun Facts:
* Eight missionaries were killed during the preliminary rounds, which were held in the bush of Uganda.
* Olympic Stoning and the Nordic Wife Toss were among the sports rejected for this year's Games.
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