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Jesus says: "Olympic Village, Utah is a modern day Sodom & Gonorrhea."
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MORMONDALE, UT – The TwistedFans.com staff sent me on an all expense paid trip to cover the first three days of the Olympics, with the idea that I might somehow add a new perspective on the Games.
First, I must begin by admitting that this was the first time I had ever been to Utah. I've had people tell me "hey J.C., you've gotta go to Utah. They love you there!" So I went with great expectations.
Indeed, my first couple of hours at Salt Lake City were cool. After each of the early events, I got to meet the medal winners. In fact, they all thanked me for their victories as though I was pushing their sled or steering their skis. Considering the fact that I was always made fun of as a kid by the jock-elders at my Temple, it was a bit of a thrill.
Unfortunately, I soon got ticked off at the state of affairs at these Olympics. Get this: there are people everywhere wearing jewelry and tattoos bearing my name and likeness! Let me tell you friends, I have not seen one red cent from any of this merchandising.
Don't get me wrong: I'm the last person interested in making a buck, but I have interests and an image to protect. First, whoever is making and selling this stuff is keeping all the money for themselves. I'm missing out on some money that I could give to a deserving child in need of a square meal. Second, why should some promiscuous Italian skier be able to break every sin in the book while wearing an image of my head around his neck – or worse, an image of my mom! You don't even want to get me started on Norway's flag. It all just ain't right!
On the second day, I decided to climb atop a mountain – or rather take the elevator to my hotel room – for some meditation and prayer. Before I even got into a full squat on the floor, there was someone banging on the door. I'm not one to turn anyone away, so I let in these two guys wearing suits. They spent an hour telling me that I should believe in myself and be more like me. After an hour I just said, "Don't act like you know me. You guys don't know me. Now go in peace." After much nagging, they finally left.
During my last day, I took a walk on Salt Lake. As I walked to shore, I met some guy who asked me if I could marry him to some woman and her three teenage daughters. "That's something you can only get in hell," I kept telling him. He just smirked and said "c'mon, I'll give you 20 dollars." Even though I chastised him, I think that he just went and found some other guy to do it for him. What a loser. I said a prayer for him and this decrepit Sodom and grabbed a flight to JFK. I can watch the rest of this stuff on TV.
TwistedFans Olympic correspondent Jesus Christ is Lord of the Rings.
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