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Tues, Oct 9, 2001

Jets Re-Sign "New York Sack Exchange" to Boost Ailing D-Line

by Willy P. Ondabich and Mikey Greenballs

NEW YORK Bowing to pressure to produce a winning team now in the city of New York, especially in light of the recent terrorist attacks and the Jets' shoddy performances, head coach Herman Edwards on Tuesday cut his entire defensive line and re-signed defensive tackles Mark Gastineau, Marty Lyons and Abdul Salaam, and defensive end Joe Klecko, collectively known in their heyday as "the New York Sack Exchange."

Above: The billboard outside Giants Stadium that gave Jets Coach Herman Edwards his bright idea.

The unit was a juggernaut in the late 70's-early 80's, and they earned their reputation as The NYSE while playing at Shea Stadium, spearheaded by the sacking efforts of nose tackle Klecko and the unrelenting Gastineau.

"This is definitely the first step of many this team needs to take, but you know, we have to start somewhere," Edwards said of his now aged and much more Christian defensive line. "These guys (were) the bizzomb."

Edwards got the idea while walking languidly out of Giants Stadium last Monday night when he noticed a huge billboard of the men right on the side of the stadium. "'Eureka! That's it'!, I said to myself," recounted Edwards, smugly. "I've got to bring these great, but really really fuckin' old, legends back to the city of New York!"

While many Jets fans may question the current playing abilities of the men (Gastineau, for example, has spent the last year heavily into Bible study after serving time at Riker's Island), one cannot argue that the signings will be a welcome change from what they've been seeing thus far this year.

Above: Edwards before the press conference announcing the new signings.

"We missed 13 tackles against the Colts, 18 against the Niners...and Jesus Christ, we allowed 233 rushing yards against the Niners-- the Niners!!" observed Jet Curtis Martin. "Hearst and Barlow for fuck's sake! Jesus-- we should be shot." Martin also added that the unfairness of the 49ers' newly instated Kiss Army Defense might have been a factor in the defeat.

Next up on the Jets' agenda is to try and discover a panacea for the suffering new West Coast Offense, which has produced nothing but ugly dropped passes so far, not to mention unfathomably predictable play-calling.

"Hey, does anyone know if Ken O'Brien is still around?" Edwards half-joked.

Willy P. Ondabich licks Mikey's Greenballs.

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