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Tues, Aug 28, 2001

  Rockies Pitcher Hampton Forces Trade to Cuba

Colorado starting pitcher Mike Hampton has forced a trade from the Rockies to the Cuban National team.

by Butch Rogaine

     According to reports, the pitcher was dealt in a three way transaction between Colorado, Cuba, and New York’s “Baby Bombers” little league team. The Rockies traded Hampton to Cuba for several allegedly twelve year-old prospects. They then traded the youngsters, many of whom appear over six feet tall and sport Rollie Fingers-style mustaches, to the Baby Bombers in return for star pitcher Danny Almonte and a handful of pitchers.

     “Dis is a good day for Cooba!” exclaimed dictator Fidel Castro. “De Mike Hampiton comeen to Cooba shows dat de Cooba is good place to play and take famlee. Cooba is like Disnee Word."

     The move shocked baseball analysts everywhere, because the tiny island nation does not have the means to pay the pitcher his exorbitant contract, worth in excess of $100 million. 

     However, TwistedFans.com sources reveal that Hampton has agreed to void his contract in return for a large Cuban estate and the title of “El General,” which places him just below Castro on the political and military pecking order.

     Hampton denies that these great perks or Colorado’s losing ways had anything to do with his desire to leave the Rockies. “Cuba has a better school system than Denver or Boulder, I made this choice for my family” noted the pitcher, while walking past a bonfire of burning books in the middle of Havana.

Thinking of the children: Hampton claims that the school system in book-burning Havana played a role in his decision to force trade.
     “Back in the States, all my kids was gettin’ was book larnin’,” explained the Homossassa, Florida native. “Here, the teachers is more hands-on. They gots my daughter rolling tobacky inta seegars. She feels important, and like she’s accomplishin’ somethin’. What’s even better is that she’s gone 14 sometimes even 16 hours. You just don’t get that kind of attention in a New York or Denver school.”

     The Baby Bombers, meanwhile, seem excited about the prospects they will be receiving. “We needed new blood, said Coach Juan Pedofez,” while filling out a few birth certificates by hand.

     “We’ve finally got the catcher we’ve wanted in Sergei Villa Sanchez.” Villa Sanchez, known in his country as “El Babbaloo,” is a lefty power hitter who doubles as a starting pitcher. “My wife and kids are gonna love it here,” remarked the player, who was joined with several other hitters on the trip to the Bronx.

     Colorado, however, clearly received the short end of the stick on this deal, as several of the players they traded for are missing. Almonte and the other Baby Bomber prospects they were to receive did not know that the Rockies had arranged for them to be flown into Colorado. Instead, they built a raft with the idea of paddling their way to Denver, and have not been seen since. In a related story, Colorado’s pitching staff is rumored to be building a raft to escape the mile high city.

Despite Little League World Series Loss, New York Mayor Promises “Little Bombers” New Stadium

     New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani today announced that the city will finance a stadium for its “Baby Bombers” Little League baseball team. “We think this stadium will bring more kids into the city, which means more money and tourism in New York,” explained Giuliani.

     The Mayor’s plans call for the upper 20 blocks of Central Park to be cleared of all its trees in order to make room for a 56,000 capacity replica of the Astrodome. 

     The ‘Giuliani Dome,’ as it has been tentatively named, will be completely financed by taxpayer money and feature giant paintings of the Mayor’s face on its roof and ceiling. In the offseason, the structure will be used as a waste receptacle for drunken New York City cops hoping to sleep off hangovers and any  suicidal and/or homosexual tendencies before work.

     In related news, Giuliani has repeated plans to tear down Yankee Stadium and replace it with a replica of itself, because “my Yankees need a new stadium or else we’ll lose them to Connecticut or some other state ... go Yanks!!!” 

Butch Rogaine
has recently completed his first book: Giuliani: Crime Stopper, Lover and Yankee Fan, What I Hate about the NYC Mayor.
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Issue #14

Interview with Barry Bonds

NBC Set to Announce New Sports  Reality Show “Concussion Island”
Despite LLWS Loss, Giuliani Promises “Baby Bombers” New Stadium

Hockey Player Builds Set of Wings, Escapes Oppressed Home to Sign With Detroit

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