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Tues, Aug 28, 2001

  Just Call Me Barry!

TwistedFans.com speaks with a rejuvenated Barry Bonds about the playoffs, his teammates and his chance to break 70.

by K-Cebo Satashi

KS: How are you feeling?

BB: Awesome, better than ever before.

KS: So what has come over, or should I say "out of," you that has changed your attitude and the way that you deal with your teammates and the media. 

BB: That's actually a funny story, may I?

KS: Of course!

BB: I was sitting in my reclining massage chair near my lockers having my feet rubbed by my PR guy, Steve Hoskins, when the bat boy came in. I yelled at him to come have my jock laundered, but instead of the usual "Yes Master Bonds", he yelled at me to "pry the stick from up my ass."

KS: How did you react?

BB: Well, I'm used to this type of treatment from the press, but not from the staff. I was mortified, I turned over and asked Steve to check my backside, I couldn't play with some hideous appendage.

KS: I think he meant that you always act like your better than everyone.

BB: Oh... anyway after a thorough inspection of my anus Steve mentioned that I should schedule an appointment with an urologist.

KS: Long story short.

BB: The urologist removed an 18 inch black probe from my anus. I think aliens may have implanted it there. I saw it happened to that kid Cartman on South Park.

KS: Is that why you pointed to the sky after your last homer?

BB: That's usually just a special personal moment that I take, but last time I told the aliens to leave me alone. Don't mess with Barry.

KS: Well said.

BB: Thank you. 

KS: Do you mind if we try some word association?

BB: Shoot.

KS: Playoffs?

BB:  Home Field Advantage: which means more puppies in McCovey Cove. In fact, I just told Owner James Steinacker that I want them out there for every game, not just on Sundays.

KS: Jeff Kent?

BB: Savior: I just spent this afternoon telling Jeff (Kent) how much he meant to our team, and that if it wasn't for him, the Giants wouldn't be where we are now. I wouldn't be where I am now. Then I gave him a hug and a pat on his butt.

KS: The Media?

BB: Open Door Policy: I love talking to them, in fact, I intend to have them join me for dinner every night for the rest of the season. More gravy?

KS: No thanks. Barbara Streisand?

BB: Idol.

KS: 71?

BB: Historic.

K-Cebo Satashi thanks Barry for the wonderful dinner he prepared, but I'm not that kind of girl.
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Issue #14

Hockey Player Builds Set of Wings, Escapes Oppressed Home to Sign With Detroit

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Despite LLWS Loss, Giuliani Promises “Baby Bombers” New Stadium

Rockies Pitcher Mike Hampton Forces Trade to Cuba

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