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Tues, Aug 28, 2001

  Hockey Player Builds Set of Wings,
  Escapes Oppressed Home to Sign With Detroit 

One player builds a set of wings and never looked back on his way to signing with the Detroit Red Wings.

by Luscious Rosenbaum

     Vladivofo Mofo wanted a better life that what his native Puckikstan had to offer. Held down by the Depression being suffered in his homeland, the seven foot six-inch tall hockey center resolved to find a way out. He built a set of wings and never looked back on his way to signing with the Detroit Red Wings.  

     Puckikstan, a former Soviet Republic, is a poor nation whose inhabitants had gotten by on a diet of goat’s milk and grains – until last year. In a bloodless coup, the country’s livestock took over Puckikstan’s Parliament, and a zoocracy was declared.

     Although crime went down under the new regime, there was no economy to speak of. All property went under the control of livestock, eating meat became prohibited, and only a select few humans received grazing privileges. The remainder of the population were left to eat dirt.

     “I had no ice to skate on,” explained Mofo through an interpreter. “The animals told the hockey team that we could not use any leather equipment. What’s worse, we couldn’t smooth the ice, because they were afraid of the noise the Zamboni machine makes.” Eventually, the ice became too dangerous to skate on and play became impossible.

After a long flight, Vladivofo Mofo was happy to cast his eyes on freedom.

     Vladivofo Mofo resolved to find a way to leave the landlocked nation. “I gathered feathers everywhere I could find them: pillows, down jackets, comforters.” Mofo built the framework for two large wings, onto which he glued the feathers. “I flapped and flapped as hard as I could until I reached Hawaii. There was no looking back ... back home, I killed two ducks for their feathers and would face a death sentence if they caught me.”

     Upon hearing of his plight, agent Moe Munnee, immediately flew to Honolulu and arranged for Mofo to be flown to Detroit. There, the Puckikstani received a lucrative contract, with perks that include the slaughter of a goat on ice after each goal he scores. “It eases the pain a little,” explained Mofo.

Luscious Rosenbaum was last seen flying too close to the sun.
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