August 7, 2004

Surname-Only Fantasy Drafter Gets Screwed

PONTIAC, MI 36-year old pharmacist Brian Bowman didn't quite know what he was in for when he drafted his fantasy football team by surnames only.

"What an idiot I am," said Bowman, slumped over in his chair. "I set up my rankings for my automated draft, but I guess it wouldn't have hurt to take a glance at their first names. Silly me thought I had all the players I'd ever need."

Continued Bowman: "Four weeks into the season, I didn't even bother looking at the site, figuring I was so set. Then when I finally looked at my team this week, I was like, fuck!!! I have a total of 3 fantasy points accumulated so far."

Bowman drafted a multitude of NFL nobodies such as Curtis Alexander, Rodney Thomas and Luke Staley.

Brian Bowman's dismal fantasy football team
Stewart, Russell (TE SEA)
Alexander, Curtis (RB BUF)
Thomas, Rodney (RB SD)
Owens, John (TE DET)
Williams, Jermaine (RB OAK)
Clark, Kenny (WR MIN)
Brown, Dee (RB CAR)
Smith, Detron (RB IND)
Staley, Luke (RB DET)
Taylor, Tony (RB DAL)

Bowman is amazed and angered at how the site managed to fill his squad with 7 runningbacks and only 1 wide receiver. "You'd think that they'd (the site) default to fill all the freaking positions at least once."

Bowman also cannot explain how he managed to draft the Hartford Whalers as his defense. "I could have sworn I picked the Redskins," bemoaned Bowman. "And then I realized it's probably just the people at the site fucking with me since I drafted such a joke of a team." Added an exasperated Bowman: "Christ, the Whalers aren't even in Hartford anymore."

Brian has made several trade offers in his league, to no avail, because "no one wants (his) guys." "I offered the Bonecrushers Owens, Brown, Thomas, Alexander, and Staley for (runningback) LaDanian Tomlinson. You'd think that a guy would jump at the chance to have seven guys for the price of one." Of course Brian could simply drop the scrubs and add an improved dearth talent his roster, but Brian said he'd "rather hold his right hand up against the screen and fantasize that (the players') first names are different."

If you think his team is bad, Brian says, at least he wasn't as foolish as his best friend and co-worker Donnie Reinhardt. "Donnie's so dumb he thought he was drafting an NBA fantasy team." The even dumber Reinhardt selected players Tim Duncan (Arizona), Charles Stackhouse (New York Giants), Aaron Bryant (Tennessee), Tony Carter (Green Bay) and Donnie O'Neal (San Francisco).

Humbled by his mistakes, Brian Bowman has learned his lessons and said that he plans to draft much more conservatively next season. "Nothing's gonna stop me from drafting Ricky Williams and David Boston in the first round this year, just you watch." [10:50]