August 12, 2003

Maybe It's Time To Move On

I have been seriously looking back upon our relationship and now have a very clear idea on what I need and desire from it. We both know that the last few years have been tough, but we always said the hard times would be worth it once we began to move forward. Now I'm not so sure. I am starting to wonder if maybe we are not right for each other anymore. I always believed you as you promised that we would "turn the corner", and I continued to convince myself that this time would be different.

I understand there will be times when I will have to endure a beating or two, but it can't be every week, like it used to be. And this insn't just about the brutal beatings, it's also about the broken promises. I constantly judged and criticized your mistakes, in the same manner that you judged and criticized me for not supporting you enough. I couldn't help but see the potential in you, yet whenever I'd come to see you, it was always the same thing. Sure, we would start off great, but soon enough we'd fall into our old habits. First the beatings would begin, then I'd start drinking to dull the pain. Some times I would even start drinking before I saw you, just knowing that a beating was coming. Eventually, we both ended up leaving disappointed.

Remember when we first started out, back when I had just started college? Remember how we used to celebrate together? Before the beatings? When we didn't always have to console ourselves with thoughts of "next time"? Sure I used to drink back then, but it was always joyful and fun. Those were great times. I miss those times.

I think we both need to let go of the past, learn from our experiences, and move on from there. We have been through a lot together... I have a learned a lot about myself, as you have learned a lot about yourself. At this point, we should both be ready to graduate to the next level... but I need to believe your ready to go there.

This is not about you or about me winning or losing. I don't want to find someone else, but there are only so many times when we can try again. Believe me when I say I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make this work. I understand that we need to rebuild, that our problems can't be fixed over night. If you want me to travel to your house every other weekend to be with you, I'll do that. Just show me that things are getting better, that this is going to be the start of the good times, ok? Because I swear this is the last try, I won't let you hurt me again and I won't let me friends laugh at me for standing by you.

I hope your not mad at me for telling you how I feel, but I needed to get this off my chest. Now, let's get ready for the season and show the league what we're made of, ok Rutgers Football?

Still yours, [09:35]  [ ]