Texans' David Carr Uses Signing
Bonus to Buy Cattle



Currently on TwistedFans.com

Issue #46

Tags loosens Carr's hat to allow extra oxygen to get to his brain.

HOUSTON, TX – Texans first round pick David Carr has purchased 18,000 head of cattle with his $11 million signing bonus, according to cattle ranch sources. The Fresno State quarterback who, according to insiders, scored a remarkably low amount on his psychological test, bought the Texas Longhorn Heifers despite having no background in raising beef.

     The bizarre act reinforces the concerns of many NFL teams, who believe Houston made a serious mistake by drafting Carr first in the draft. "Only one person has ever scored lower than this guy on the intelligence test," notes a scout, on the condition of anonymity. "It was that linebacker Donald Felele, who was drafted by the Lions in the early 80's. He lasted three games -- before tearing up his knees trying to sack the goal posts."

     The Texans front office, however, is relieved that Carr has decided to settle down and buy some cattle. "He is a free spirit," explains one Houston exec. "Once he saw 'Legally Blonde' with Reese Witherspoon and decided that he wanted to go to Harvard Law instead of play football. Then he saw "Full Monty" and almost became an exotic dancer. Thankfully he never got past the first page of the Harvard application and has trouble unbuttoning his clothes. Nevertheless, with his kind, you just don't know what they'll do next. Buying cattle is a good sign though."

     NFL scouts believe Carr lacks survival skills. "I'm not saying that he has no talent," says a scout from an NFC Central team. "Just that he'll probably take a flight to London for their game against New England. That kind of stupidity is gonna catch up to him sooner than later."

     Carr scoffs at his detractors. "I'm my own man ... I'm securing my future -- these NFL contracts ain't guaranteed," notes the QB. "I've got me a ton of cattle and a great place to keep them." Carr has purchased five Dairy Queens with, as he describes them, ‘‘really, really big parkin' lots,' where he plans to hold the bovine. When asked whether he planned on buying any bulls to help multiply the herd, Carr cryptically answered, "nah, a guy's gotta have a little fun."

Luscious Rosenbaum knows a heifer when he sees one.

Email this story to a friend

Subscribe to our Newsletter
    Cardinals Outfielder Edmonds Attends Vatican Meeting on Priest Sex Scandals

Limo Driver Says Albert Enjoyed Crash

Twisted Week in Sports: Big Game Expos, Anna K, Detroit D, Padgett's Gaff & the Longs Drugs Champ

Article that Makes Mockery of Mock Drafts Makes Mockery of Sports Humor

Cubs Fan Killed Buying Bag of Peanuts at Wrigley


Visit our Archive


Home | Feedback  | Free Stuff | Privacy Policy
Copyright © 2001 TwistedFans, LLC, ARRAWR.