Cardinals Outfielder Edmonds Attends Vatican Meeting on Priest Sex Scandals



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Issue #46

Above: Pope showing Jim Edmonds his batting stance.

VATICAN CITY, ROME – Cardinals center fielder Jim Edmonds misunderstood a story reported on CNN and embarked upon what he believed was a mandatory team trip to Rome to meet with Pope John Paul II. 

     "I heard the anchor saying ‘the Pope has called U.S. cardinals to a meeting regarding the recent sex scandals,' said Edmonds, a Protestant. "I thought maybe some of the guys on the team were accused of improprieties or something, and that it was some kind of team obligation," he explained. "Like team counseling."

     Edmonds could not get in contact with any of his teammates and bought himself a ticket when his repeated calls to GM Walt Jocketty at three o'clock in the morning went unanswered. "I figured that I had missed the bus and they were all on their way."

     He arrived at Rome and was granted admission to the meeting by Boston's Pete Cardinal O'Phile, who recognized the player. "Cardinal Pete was a nice guy. He even massaged my shoulders while some other guy rubbed my feet throughout the meeting," noted Edmonds. "I've got a newfound respect for the Church after seeing how well organized they are."

     When asked for his opinion of the Pope, Edmonds gushed: "He's a nice old guy, reminds me of Don Zimmer. In fact, I told him that at his age he should wear a helmet on the pulpit, but I don't think he understood."

     Edmonds was not the only athlete at the meeting, as Arizona Cardinals QB Jake Plummer also attended. "The cardinals were great hosts in light of the fact we were really unexpected guests. One of them promised to give me candy if I ‘was a good boy,'" explained Jake the Snaked.

     While the misunderstanding will not affect Plummer's status on his team, Edmonds will suffer the repercussions of his trip. The St. Louis Cardinals, who are owned by devout Bacchanulites Anheuser-Busch, plan to fine the outfielder for his guffaw.

Butch Rogaine will provide ongoing coverage of Vatican III: Calling All Cards

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