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| Gene Shalit says Kent is mesmerizing, "I couldn't take my eyes off him, not once the entire 5 hours" said a slathering Shalit. |
Hey guys, are you having trouble keeping your gal busy while you watch the game? Well S.F. Giants second basemen Jeff Kent's video "Erotic Truck Washin'" is the perfect way to get the woman out of the house and lathering your truck while you're gobbling beer nuts and chugging Bud in front of the big screen.
Straddling the back of his pick up truck with nothing on but a pair of white Fruit of the Looms briefs and some cowboy boots, Kent gives a home video performance matched perhaps only by Anna Kournikova. His completely hairless body is sure to get your woman's attention, as she learns the ins and outs of truck vacuuming, washing, and waxing.
Filmed in the parking lot of an Arby's approximately three weeks before his controversial accident, the video shows Kent's talents as a charismatic instructor and lover of autos. "You gotta lather that sucker up," comes one informative quip, while light instrumental music composed by Yanni plays over the truck's speaker system. The camera focuses on Kent's hands, which seem to knead their way into the texture of the truck. "ooh, doesn't that feel good," he coos, as the camera abruptly changes from a full body shot to an above the waist shot.
We are joined frequently by Kent's wife Eunice, who often drives by in her Harley and screams such endearing phrases as "Jeff, are you gonna come home and pleasure me or not? You know Donnie and Jennie need a little baby brother." However, the audience can rest assured that Jeff does not go home until his truck is clean (and probably not even after that).
The five hour video may test the patience of most men, but women will likely gobble it up -- especially when they see Kent's cute children. "Please come home" and "You smell funny daddy," are among the pleas by Donnie Kent as the sun begins to set upon a parking lot filled with beer bottle caps. Kent, absolutely lost in the smooth contours of his pick up, just shrugs the child off. And fear not, as when the Kent kids leave the screen, the player and his truck are soon surrounded by effeminate college boys "curious" about what he is doing.
However, the most visually interesting portion of the video must be when Kent invites (hirsute) manager Dusty Baker to do the waxing and buffing of his truck. Giants beat reporters stop by to second guess every method used by Baker, until the sad man goes home, his undies riding up on him in a disgusting tangled lump.
Those who purchase the DVD version of the video will enjoy special bonus clips filmed by a surveillance camera posted outside Kent's home. You can watch as Barry Bonds and numerous other Giants players drive by to relieve themselves and/or spit on the newly washed truck.
For those of you without a truck, Kent has also recorded videos of himself washing motorcycles, sports cars, sedans, minivans, and speedboats, and a Zamboni machine.
Regardless of your vehicle, Jeff Kent's erotic videos are the perfect way to keep the wife or girlfriend busy, so long as she follows the mantra announced in his opening monologue "It's all in the wrist."
Luscious Rosenbaum is a 5 time winner of the coveted Palm S'or for Soft core Film Criticism.
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