Bracket-Filling Tips



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Issue #40

TF Staff Writer Willy P. Ondabich is charging you only $50.00 for his 254-page bevy of NCAA bracket-filling tips. Below is a sample. You can contact him at [email protected] for the complete package.

     Download, print and study laboriously all of information available from the College RPI web site.  Then throw out this data and ask your 8-year old son Tommy to fill out the brackets for you.

     Order and peruse the $59.95 March Madness package from Bracketology. Memorize all of this data, and then proceed to discard the package and ask Doris the secretary from your job which teams she likes best in the First Round.

     Critically analyze the final regular-season standings for all 64 teams, including:  season records vs. conference, season records vs. out-of-conference, records vs. Top 25 teams and records vs. teams whose name includes a form of the word "Cat" (e.g., "Wildcat" or "Bearcat").  Then ignore this data completely and then complete your bracket with your eyes closed, completely at random.

     Disregard all "streaks" as soon as the tournament begins. Each year I'd say about 90% of the teams on a current winning or losing streak reverse their fortune as soon as the tournament begins.  So, on top of looking like a bandwagon-rider by picking a team who's on a 16-game winning streak, you will also be wrong.

     Why don't you visit your withering Aunt Beatrice; she could use some eggs.  After studying the NCAA history of each team, and drawing bell curves projecting their chances to win based on this data, chuck this data and proceed to ask your aunt to fill out your bracket for you, based on what team names she likes. Be a good niece or nephew and offer to go to the supermarket for her and pick up some milk or sugar or eggs or something like. Karma may actually swing your way for a change, you self-absorbed fat-ass.  Your elderly loved ones need your assistance!

     Two words:  Dickie V.  The man knows his shit, baby. 

     Countless hours spent filling out your bracket (or twenty-five different versions of your bracket), only guarantees that you will be a loser (in more ways than one). Fill out only one bracket because remember, it's all goddamned chance anyway. It doesn't freaking matter, don't you get it.

     Try filling out the NCAA Women's bracket for a change, you chauvinistic, lesbian-porn watching troglodyte.

     If you have a feeling about a certain team-- you are a complete idiot. Sure I had "a feeling" once about that vascetomy I got last year and look where that got me. Three nuts, and a persistent peeing problem.  So trust your instin... I mean the random, unpredictable nature of the universe.

     Good "luck".

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