W Reveals: Former WWF Personalities Will Run "Shadow Government"



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Issue #39

"Grab them cakes, I don't care what it takes," answered the Dog, when asked whether he knew what his position entailed.
Somewhere under WASHINGTON, DC –  President George W. Bush took one more step in revealing details of the secret "shadow government" created by Washington to take over in the event of a terrorist attack on the nation's capital. "We cannot let the evil ones intimidate us," explained Bush. "That's why I'm happy that some of the roughest, toughest hombres in the country are gonna be backin' us up."

     According to Bush, the shadow government will be fully comprised of former WWF wrestlers and personalities. "We wanted to choose people with whom Americans would identify," noted the President. "Just as Minnesotans love Jesse Ventura's straight down the middle independent perspective on politics, so the American people will grow to love these proud patriots."

     The following is a break down of the role players Bush announced as part of the shadow government:

Commissioner: Former broadcaster "Mean" Gene Okerlund. "Gene is the epitome of America ... a classy guy in a shirt and bow tie, whose diminutive appearance belies his fearsome spirit and ferocious heart," explained Bush. 

The Secretary of State for the Shadow Government: Paul "Mr. Wonderful" Orndorff. While the position is typically held by a great communicator and mediator, many believe that having a raging menace could be just what the country needs at wartime. "He might have stopped wrestling and working out, but the guy is still so full of steroids that few are likely to stand up to his hormone-fueled fits of rage," explained one insider manning a 1-900 wrestling line. 

Secretary of Defense: George "The Animal" Steele. The green tongued former-wrestler has already been seen pointing at various television images of terrorists and shouting "Hey .... You," while chewing on a turnbuckle and pointing his finger. 

Commissioner Okerlund & Bobby "The Brain" call to order their first meeting in the Super Secret Underground Shadow Government Meeting Room.
The Secretary of Treasury: This position will be split between Bobby "the Brain" Heenan and Jimmy "Mouth of the South" Hart. "Those two weasels will help our nation get the most bang for its buck," commented former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger.

Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff: Sgt. Slaughter, the first non-commissioned officer to hold the position. "Kick some ass ... and THAT'S an order!" he was heard screaming over and over to himself while practicing for his possible role as motivator of the military. 

Secretary of the Interior: None other than the Junkyard Dog. "Grab them cakes, I don't care what it takes," answered the Dog, when asked whether he knew what his position entailed.

     In a nod to the rural population, Hillbilly Jim will serve as Secretary of Agriculture. "I am honored," said a blushing Jim, carrying a pig under each arm.

     The President praised the selections: "While we will hopefully never need to make use of the shadow government, it's good to know that it's manned by capable and dedicated citizens," commented Bush, as a smiling Mean Gene stood behind him with metal folding chair in tow.

Butch Rogaine believes that Sgt. Slaughter will defeat the Axis of Evil since he once saw him wipe his ass with an Iranian flag.

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