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Greenpeace Storms Siragusa's Mansion


Tues, Dec 18, 2001


Issue #28


BALTIMORE, MD Dozens of Greenpeace activists dressed up as barrels of lard stormed Baltimore Raven Tony Siragusa's mansion Monday, scaling the walls and unfurling protest banners.

Juan Robles, chief of security of the Siragusa estate said 26 people were detained Monday and would be fed to Siragusa's pet boa constrictor Chucky.

The activists came to protest the odors emanating from a large bathroom the size of a ranch style home, located on the grounds of Siragusa's property.

Some unfurled banners reading: "Flush your toilet," and "For the love of God, please cut down on the beef burritos." One protester wearing a gas mask chained himself to the structure believed to be the bathroom. "Mother earth should not be subject to Mr. Siragusa's body emissions," he cried, before succumbing to the stench.

The Siragusa bathroom is believed to be a toxic hazard. Commercial airlines avoid its airspace when charting flight plans, and it is believed that even U.S. military satellites cannot penetrate the tremendous haze that rises above the estate.

Joe Kramden, president of Greenpeace, vows that the set back will not stop his organization's mission. "We will keep sending people there until the world realizes that Tony Siragusa's crapper is killing our environment. Sure, it's contained on his property for now. But soon it will seep into the ground, pollute the town's water table, and lead to all sorts of fecal matter-related maladies. On behalf of the public I would like to make a plea to Tony to please tear down your bathroom."

    Mr. Siragusa could not be reached for comment, as he was believed to have entered the solitude of his bathroom for a two day binge of ... well, whatever he does in there.

Luscious Rosenbaum now understands why the Ravens talk so much shit.

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