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Wizards Coach Resigns, 
Citing Lies On Resume


Tues, Dec 18, 2001


Issue #28


WASHINGTON, DC Doug Collins resigned as Washington Wizards coach today, after revealing that he had lied about the qualifications on his resume. The coach, bypassing team officials and public relations, called the conference on his own and revealed his controversial fibs:

    "I really wanted the Wizards job, so I told a few lies that I am not proud of," said the coach. Collins claims that he lied about being head coach of the Chicago Bulls during Michael Jordan's rookie season and about being a television analyst for NBC after his alleged tenure as Bulls coach.

    What will Collins tell us next? That he didn't coach MJ on the Wiz this season?

    The announcement comes as a shock to many, and some believe Collins did not lie on his resume but is instead trying to get out of his job. "Doug realizes that the Wiz suck and they're not reaching the playoffs," explained one League executive. "Doug hasn't lied on his resume, this is his way of finding an out and running to a college program."
    "I don't know what he's talking about!" exclaimed a puzzled Michael Jordan, the Wizards' former part owner and current point forward. "I was there in 1984. Doug was my coach."

    "I could of sworn that I worked with Doug on NBC," said sportscaster and former Boston Celtic Bill Walton. "Who was that guy then?"

    When confronted with the possibility that his resume was in fact accurate, Collins wore a large frown. "These untruths have weighed heavy on my heart. I deceived a lot of people, lost a lot of trust and respect. I just don't want to, uh, I mean ... I can't be Wizards coach any more."

      One Washington Post reporter confronted Collins with film showing him on the Bulls' sidelines in 1984 and behind a studio desk at NBC. "That''s Mike Fratello," said Collins, before quickly running out of the interview room.

Luscious Rosenbaum has confirmed that he's not Mike Fratello or Butch Rogaine.

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