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Cowboys Suspend Emmit after RB Tests Negative for Pot


Tues, Nov 27, 2001


Issue #25


DALLAS, TX Cowboys owner Jerry Jones called for the suspension of veteran Emmitt Smith today, after it was learned that the RB did not have any traces of marijuana in his bloodstream. "Hey man, Emmy didn't wanna be mellow like everyone else man," explained a dazed Jones, wearing a knit rasta hat on his balding head. "My hands were tied man, I had to make an example of him man," he continued.

     The incident stems from random testing that the team began last week at the request of Jones who, according to a source, refuses to acknowledge the role of former coach Jimmy Johnson in the team's Superbowls championships. "Jerry is trying to emphasize the drug addled aspects of those great teams as the reason for their successes," said the source. "He thinks getting everyone high will make them a better team. I don't know if that's true, but they sure look a lot happier now."

Associated Press


     At Jones' request, Dallas' trainer has begun randomly pulling 4 players out of practice for drug testing. Those that do not test positive for marijuana are suspended and sent to a downtown Dallas slum for "coounseling." Those who refuse are cut on the spot. This week, Smith fell victim to the process. "It's my own damn fault," said the running back. "I feel like I let the team down and broke with Cowboy tradition."

     Not surprisingly, there is little backlash within the organization regarding the drug testing. Coach Dave Campo strongly supports the mandatory marijuana toking: "Hey, it helps me narrow down who is gonna start the second half at quarterback," he explained. "If you ain't numb enough to get hit, you're not ready to lead the Cowboys down the field.

     Many Cowboys players also appreciate the new policy. "Now, I don't feel a damn thing when I get sacked," said Ryan Leaf. The team's offensive line coach has reported that the marijuana policy has minimized penalties. "Their reflexes are slowed, so noone jumps at the line. There hasn't been a single false start in practice all week -- they just kinda stand there looking around for food," he noted.

     The line is not the only enthusiastic participant. At practice before the Thanksgiving day game against the Broncos, smoke could be seen billowing out of the face masks of several defensive players. In addition, one of the Cowboys' assistant trainers has been replaced with an engineer. "Jerry's got me working on a few projects," he explained. "First, I've gotta design a giant Gatorade cooler bong. Then I have to find a way to rig the sidline fans to to blow smoke onto field. It's the most creative work I've ever had, really."

     When asked whether the program was just a temporary experiment, Jones was very clear. "Hell no, it's here to stay. I'm hiring Nate Newton to help supply the team with some o' that good stuff."

Butch Rogaine plans on joining Jerry in Texas to kick-off the "Jonestown Experience."

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